Has it been a year or so already? You bet your bippy it has! Whatever the hell a bippy is! Moving on, it’s time for our panel of unbiased and highly accredited experts (me and the scotch I’m drinking) to pick the best, worst, and fucking stupidest people and what-have-yous of aught-one-four. So get ready to have your tastes and personal hygiene insulted as we present:
The Second Annual(ish) Bro-ies
MILF of the Year – Maryam Mirzakhani
Her work focuses on the symmetry of curved surfaces. The filthy, sexist jokes practically write themselves!
Most of you are probably looking at the picture and thinking “Yeah, cute face, pixie haircut, big whoop.” Well, if so, punch yourself in the genitals, because we went over this. She’s the first woman to receive the Fields Medal, which is awesome, inspiring, and super-sexy in an extremely intimidating way. Hell, sometimes I forget where the calculator is on my phone.
We’ll Miss You, Bro – Harold Ramis
The ghosts of your memory will never be busted, Dr. Spengler.
Not only was this fine, talented man an actor in some hilarious films and iconic roles, but his work behind the camera gave us even more joy than most of you goddamn Philistines ever knew. Caddyshack? Animal House? Groundhog Day? None of that chuckle-tastic goodness without Harold. Ghostbusters (which he also wrote, as well as the sequel) was just the tip of the iceberg, and for that he shall be missed.
Runner Ups: Philip Seymour Hoffman, Shirley Temple, Mickey Rooney, Bob Hoskins, H. R. Giger, Maya Angelou, Rik “Flashheart” Mayall, Eli “The Ugly” Wallach, James Garner, Robin Williams, Lauren Bacall, Richard Kiel, Thomas “Mumbles” Menino, Joe Cocker, and last but not least, Arnold “Paul’s Awesome Grandpa” Brown.
Bestest Boobies We Saw – Scarlett Johansson
Did anybody actually see Under the Skin?
I certainly didn’t. Googled the hell out of it though. I assume you have, too.
Runners Up: Literally any other boobies. As always.
Biggest Asshole – ISIS/ISIL/IS/Whatever the fuck they are
“Durr, we’re human fucking garbage! Durrrr!” – Official Moto
I don’t have to explain this, right? Fuck these people. Fuck them all in every way in every hole with a glass pineapple soaked in Sriracha. ‘Nuff said.
Runners Up: Boko Haram, Captain Lee Joon-Seok, Vladimir Putin
Fuck Off and Die – Fred Phelps
My only regret is that he died before we could get him with the glass pineapples.
It’s people like Reverend Phelps that make me hope there really is a hell (other than the town of Lawton, Oklahoma), just so I can dream of the look on that old dickfuck’s face when he met Satan.
Runner Ups: Anyone who died during the course of the shooting/killing spree they were carrying out. Take your pick. Also Ian Paisley.
Best Bro-tion Picture – Guardians of the Galaxy
Hero walk? Pshaw. That’s a damn hero strut, chumps.
I friggin’ love this movie. I loved it in theaters and I loved it when I watched it again over the holidays. If that mummy’s curse is ever lifted from my genitals and I can have children someday, they will be named Rocket, Groot, and Gamora. Regardless of quantity or gender. If you haven’t seen it, you will never know true joy. And if you disagree, you should check your pulse. Because your heart is gone and, therefore, you may have been attacked by a Thugee cult.
Runner Up: The Lego Movie. Because everything is awesome and Chris Pratt knows it.
Coolest Science Shit – Rosetta probe landing on Comet 67P
Crazy-smart people worked together and harpooned a comet. I can’t stress how awesome that is. Harpooned. A. Comet. Suck on that one, famous fictional harpooners Queequeg and Ned Land!
Runners Up: ISS prints out a wrench, successful test of Orion spacecraft, functional human intestinal cells grown in lab, and a man with the incredibly awesome name of Stefan Hell co-won the Nobel Prize for chemistry.
Lifetime Bro-chievement Award – Stephen Colbert
I don’t have a snarky caption for this, I just thought it was awesome when he let General Odierno shave his head.
All right, so the man’s career is far from over. Some could argue that, with him moving from Comedy Central to a network late night show, his career is about to get a boost. That’s stupid, you stupid head. Sure, he may get higher ratings and more slack-jawed applause from the masses. But that faux-angry-yet-also-real-angry style, full of intelligent wit and biting sarcasm all wrapped up in the guise of his admittedly fake TV personality we all saw on The Colbert Report are likely things of the past. So while the star of Stephen Colbert (the man/celebrity/voice of Ace from The Ambiguously Gay Duo) may be on the rise, we bid a fond farewell to Stephen Colbert (the character/pundit/presidential candidate/voice of Phil Ken Sebben from Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law)
The Shia LaBeouf Award For Most Satisfying On-Screen Death – Shia LaBeouf in Fury
As reluctant as I was to root for the SS, it was warm and tingly to see that prick get got.
That’s it for the awards this year. If you’re following at home, you may have noticed that, although a new category was added, that of “You Done Fucked Up” was noticeably absent. That’s because all of my attempts to recall the various stupid shit people in the news did this year were overshadowed by seeing hundreds of people jump in the ocean off Coney Island in 28-degree weather and blistering winds earlier today. It was easily the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever seen a group of people do since I left the Marine Corps. And I’ve been to Disneyland since then.
This is one of my best friends, his girlfriend, and my girlfriend. They are each extremely educated, well-traveled, and two of them are decorated veterans. All three of them are fucking morons.
You people make my brain hurt. Happy New Year, dumbasses!