Resolve Yourself II – The Resolvening

Just like last year, I’m here to help people become less terrible. And by people I mean you. You suck. I’m great. So here are some New Year’s resolutions to consider if you still haven’t made one. You lazy spaz.

  • Bring back Mayor Rob Ford. Not as a mayor or leader in any capacity, but just in general. That piece of shit was a laugh riot.
  • Make Facebook less crappy.
  • Produce a good film about giant insects attacking a major city. That’s a genre that’s overdue.

    Like this, but good.

    Like this, but good.

  • Watch Twin Peaks. I never have, but it’s one of those things everybody tells everybody else to do.
  • Gain weight. Mix it up this year.
  • Come up with a less annoying ending to Birdman.
  • Give me more time to write this list.
  • Blow me.

Stuff to do. End of list. See you next year/week!

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Episode 116

Nap time.

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The Bro-ies II

Has it been a year or so already? You bet your bippy it has! Whatever the hell a bippy is! Moving on, it’s time for our panel of unbiased and highly accredited experts (me and the scotch I’m drinking) to pick the best, worst, and fucking stupidest people and what-have-yous of aught-one-four. So get ready to have your tastes and personal hygiene insulted as we present:

The Second Annual(ish) Bro-ies

MILF of the Year – Maryam Mirzakhani

Her work focuses on the symmetry of curved surfaces. The filthy, sexist jokes practically write themselves!

Her work focuses on the symmetry of curved surfaces. The filthy, sexist jokes practically write themselves!

Most of you are probably looking at the picture and thinking “Yeah, cute face, pixie haircut, big whoop.” Well, if so, punch yourself in the genitals, because we went over this. She’s the first woman to receive the Fields Medal, which is awesome, inspiring, and super-sexy in an extremely intimidating way. Hell, sometimes I forget where the calculator is on my phone.

We’ll Miss You, Bro – Harold Ramis

The ghosts of your memory will never be busted, Dr. Spengler.

The ghosts of your memory will never be busted, Dr. Spengler.

Not only was this fine, talented man an actor in some hilarious films and iconic roles, but his work behind the camera gave us even more joy than most of you goddamn Philistines ever knew. Caddyshack? Animal House? Groundhog Day? None of that chuckle-tastic goodness without Harold. Ghostbusters (which he also wrote, as well as the sequel) was just the tip of the iceberg, and for that he shall be missed.

Runner Ups: Philip Seymour Hoffman, Shirley Temple, Mickey Rooney, Bob Hoskins, H. R. Giger, Maya Angelou, Rik “Flashheart” Mayall, Eli “The Ugly” Wallach, James Garner, Robin Williams, Lauren Bacall, Richard Kiel, Thomas “Mumbles” Menino, Joe Cocker, and last but not least, Arnold “Paul’s Awesome Grandpa” Brown.

Bestest Boobies We Saw – Scarlett Johansson

Did anybody actually see Under the Skin?

Did anybody actually see Under the Skin?

I certainly didn’t. Googled the hell out of it though. I assume you have, too.

Runners Up: Literally any other boobies. As always.

Biggest Asshole – ISIS/ISIL/IS/Whatever the fuck they are

"Durr, we're human fucking garbage! Durrrr!" - Official Moto

“Durr, we’re human fucking garbage! Durrrr!” – Official Moto

I don’t have to explain this, right? Fuck these people. Fuck them all in every way in every hole with a glass pineapple soaked in Sriracha. ‘Nuff said.

Runners Up: Boko Haram, Captain Lee Joon-Seok, Vladimir Putin

 Fuck Off and Die – Fred Phelps

My only regret is that he died before we could get him with the glass pineapples.

My only regret is that he died before we could get him with the glass pineapples.

It’s people like Reverend Phelps that make me hope there really is a hell (other than the town of Lawton, Oklahoma), just so I can dream of the look on that old dickfuck’s face when he met Satan.

Runner Ups: Anyone who died during the course of the shooting/killing spree they were carrying out. Take your pick. Also Ian Paisley.

Best Bro-tion Picture – Guardians of the Galaxy

Hero walk? That's a hero strut, chumps.

Hero walk? Pshaw. That’s a damn hero strut, chumps.

I friggin’ love this movie. I loved it in theaters and I loved it when I watched it again over the holidays. If that mummy’s curse is ever lifted from my genitals and I can have children someday, they will be named Rocket, Groot, and Gamora. Regardless of quantity or gender. If you haven’t seen it, you will never know true joy. And if you disagree, you should check your pulse. Because your heart is gone and, therefore, you may have been attacked by a Thugee cult.

Runner Up: The Lego Movie. Because everything is awesome and Chris Pratt knows it.

Coolest Science Shit – Rosetta probe landing on Comet 67P



Crazy-smart people worked together and harpooned a comet. I can’t stress how awesome that is. Harpooned. A. Comet. Suck on that one, famous fictional harpooners Queequeg and Ned Land!

Runners Up: ISS prints out a wrench, successful test of Orion spacecraft, functional human intestinal cells grown in lab, and a man with the incredibly awesome name of Stefan Hell co-won the Nobel Prize for chemistry.

Lifetime Bro-chievement Award – Stephen Colbert

I have no caption for this, I just thought it was awesome when he let General Odierno shave his head.

I don’t have a snarky caption for this, I just thought it was awesome when he let General Odierno shave his head.

All right, so the man’s career is far from over. Some could argue that, with him moving from Comedy Central to a network late night show, his career is about to get a boost. That’s stupid, you stupid head. Sure, he may get higher ratings and more slack-jawed applause from the masses. But that faux-angry-yet-also-real-angry style, full of intelligent wit and biting sarcasm all wrapped up in the guise of his admittedly fake TV personality we all saw on The Colbert Report are likely things of the past. So while the star of Stephen Colbert (the man/celebrity/voice of Ace from The Ambiguously Gay Duo) may be on the rise, we bid a fond farewell to Stephen Colbert (the character/pundit/presidential candidate/voice of Phil Ken Sebben from Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law)

The Shia LaBeouf Award For Most Satisfying On-Screen Death – Shia LaBeouf in Fury

As loathe as I was to root for the SS, it was warm and tingly to see that prick get got.

As reluctant as I was to root for the SS, it was warm and tingly to see that prick get got.


That’s it for the awards this year. If you’re following at home, you may have noticed that, although a new category was added, that of “You Done Fucked Up” was noticeably absent. That’s because all of my attempts to recall the various stupid shit people in the news did this year were overshadowed by seeing hundreds of people jump in the ocean off Coney Island in 28-degree weather and blistering winds earlier today. It was easily the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever seen a group of people do since I left the Marine Corps. And I’ve been to Disneyland since then.

This is one of my best freinds, his girlfriend, and my girlfriend. They are all highly educated and two of them are decorated veterans. All three of them are fucking morons.

This is one of my best friends, his girlfriend, and my girlfriend. They are each extremely educated, well-traveled, and two of them are decorated veterans. All three of them are fucking morons.

You people make my brain hurt. Happy New Year, dumbasses!

Posted in 'Merica, BroCast is Awesome, Celebration, Current Events, Death, Drinking, Famous People, Happy Stuff, Hatred, Lists, Movies, Nerd Stuff, Paul is Grumpy, Special Event, USA! USA!, Veterans | 2 Comments

MUSKET SMOKE – The Best Strategy Game You’ve Never Heard Of…Until Now!

So…2014 is coming to a close.  And if you’re at all like me, you’re interested in all the top ten lists, especially for video games (here’s a really neat one).  This year has not been the best for gaming, what with all the controversy.  Or for me personally.  BUT there has been a bright spot: I have found the game that I have been questing for my entire life.  So instead of a top-ten list like how everybro is doing, I’m going to tell you all why you should pick up this free to play game RIGHT NOW if you have an Apple device.  There is a fee of $2,99 for an expanded online experience which is COMPLETELY worth it, especially after playing around with the base game.  I present to you…



MUSKET SMOKE is a competitive, turn/hex-based semi-abstract tactical wargame set during the Age of Pikes and Muskets.  The game is played in matches.  Each player starts by building an army out of five unit types: pikemen–fast melee infantry with an advantage against cavalry, musketeers–who can do more damage than pikemen and have a ranged attack but are much slower, cavalry–who can charge across the battlefield and annihilate other units but has less health, and cannons–who can shoot halfway across the map and cause serious damage, but have low health and are very vulnerable to melee and cavalry.  One unit of each type can be given “confidence points,” which provide a morale and melee damage boost.   Victory goes to the player who captures the enemy’s command post and/or kills or routs up to ten units.

Sounds simple, right? all its elegant simplicity...and bloody horror.

Battle in all it’s bloody horror…and elegant simplicity!

Well, perhaps the most important part of Musket Smoke is that there is very little pure luck involved.    When units engage in shooting or melee,  damage is not randomly determined, as it is is SO many strategy games, but is always fixed based on a wide variety of factors: unit size (both attacker and defender), attack type (melee, shot, change), morale (three morale hits cause a standard unit to rout), the presence of gore (yes!) and, most critically, whether or not a unit is “melee-locked,” that is, already engaged in melee combat with another unit, allowing for sweet, juicy flank attacks that devastate both men and morale.

Here’s a bit of an explanation:

A match  of Musket Smoke should not be a slugfest: if it is, you’re doing it wrong. Trust me on this one.  I’ve lost far FAR many more matches than I’ve won, and I loved every minute of it!  The game is very much a test of skill, in planning, execution of maneuvers, and manipulation of multiple factors–most importantly your opponent’s mind.  I’m not very good at these things, I’m first to admit.  But I am willing to learn, and the short matches encourage experimentation, as does a very friendly international online community.  Individual turns are asynchronous, meaning you can leave you game and continue with your life and come back when you please with a crazy new way to escape the mess you found yourself in.

The match lobby, waiting for your enemies to finish their battle plans, which are, of course, vastly inferior to yours ;)

The match lobby, waiting for your enemies to finish their battle plans, which are, of course, vastly inferior to yours 😉

But you may be asking yourself, “what makes this all so special?”  After all, you can shoot, flank and charge in Total War games, whose success was built on online battles just as much as in their campaigns.  Hex-based wargames with complex but skill-based battle mechanics have been around for decades.   But what developer Woodie Dovich has done here is to combine the seemingly-diametrically-opposed worlds of online competitive multiplayer and historical turn-based wargaming.  He has made hardcore strategic wargaming truly approachable, competitive and, most importantly, fun!  When you pull off a successful flanking maneuver, or charge, or cannon shot that blasts your enemy’s troops to bits, you feel like a total badass—the second coming of Napoleon–or rather Gustavus Adulphus or Oliver Crowell to be more period-appropriate.


BOOM!  THAT’s gonna hurt!!!

Woodie gets perfectly the sometimes-nebulous concept of “gamefeel,” the visceral sensations that underline and reinforce gameplay.   Gamefeel is more present in other, more-action-oriented genres like platformers and shooters, so taking such an approach to tactical turn-based strategy was a fantastic and unique approach that stand shoulder-to shoulder with it’s hour-to-learn, lifetime-to-master gameplay.  Musket Smoke, then, for its simplistic, rough-around the edges presentation, is more innovative than the VAST majority of games produced this year, Indie or AAA alike.

Needs More Love...

Needs More Love…

Which is why it’s such a shame that this game, which has been out for over a year now, has received so little attention!  That this amazing piece of work is lost amidst the sea of samey strategy shovelware on the app store is enough to depress anyone.  I only found out about it through the website Pocket Tactics.  It’s expanded release onto iPhones should help boost its popularity.  The touch interface definitely makes Musket Smoke shine.  But expanding onto other platforms, such as the cheaper Android and especially Steam would only help snowpunch promote its games.

Fortunately, there’s a sequel coming out.  And from what I’ve seen on the website, it’s gonna be AWESOME!

And if you’re looking for people to match with, do check out the facebook page.          (FULL DISCLOSURE: Adminned by yours truly)

2014 has been a tough year.  Let’s make sure 2015 kicks ass!  And I’ll see you on the battlefield!

Posted in General Ranting | 2 Comments

Merry Jewmas!

Well, I’ve survived my fourth Christmas both ever and with the Good Doctor’s side of the family in a tiny remote village about three hours north of London, and good drive away from anything or anyone. I’m a city kid at heart so, for me, the English countryside is simultaneously beautiful and totes adorbs, full of mostly sheep and proportionally less people. I also saw with my own eyes that reindeer are, in fact, real (!), and kinda look like cowhorsedonkeys (watch out, manbearpig).

Friendly, yet terrifying

Friendly, perhaps, yet terrifying

But that’s pretty much where the entertainment ends. And when the cuteness dies down, I come to the realization that I do year after year: THIS TOWN IS FUCKIN SMALL. This place is so small that there is a “centre of town,” and it’s 45 minutes away. If the center of their world is that far away, the idea of New York (in their mind, the capital of America) is even farther away, and thusly inaccessible. Am I really shocked that the mentality of a tiny town in which I didn’t see or hear evidence of nearby neighbors isn’t exactly progressive? Nah. But just for fun, let me share with you a few of my favorite small-town moments:

Strike 1: After four continuous years of my unrelenting presence at Christmas, the constant questioning about what us ‘Jews’ do on your fancy materialistic holiday should probably have subsided. The typically amusing answer of “Chinese food and movies” gets a pitiful rather than humorously commiserative response. And for some reason, looking up what Hanukkah is would take too much effort, but I don’t think I can blame them entirely – it’s partly due to the fact that there is no internets in the boonies, and partly because they’ve never figured out how to spell Hanukkah/Chanukah (here’s the secret: no one has or ever will! That’s how we keep the intrigue of an otherwise pretty banal holiday. Suckers.).

See, even the lil Jewish kids look dubious!

See, even the lil Jewish kids look dubious!

Strike 2: While a particularly small-town gentleman was making fun of another woman at the table for not being able to sew and still bringing things home during Christmas for repair, I piped up in support. I mean shit, I can’t sew, and I still bring clothes home to my mother at the ripe age of 28; his response to me: “Aren’t you married, now? Woman of the house, know your place.” After restraining myself from throwing a roasted potato at his similarly shaped head, I merely said, “well my husband cooks so often, I barely have room to fit my tiny feet in front of my rightful place at the stove.” BAM, make ME a sandwich, bitch.

The Good Doctor has it so hard

The Good Doctor has it so hard

Ball 1 (hehe): The Good Doctor’s grandmother, who refuses to believe that anything exists beyond the 2-mile radius of her town, complained that she couldn’t understand me when I spoke. Thankfully, someone else told me this, because I can’t understand a damn word that comes out of her mouth. Hey, at least we’re even.

Speaking of balls, got this badass card for the Good Doctor's birthmas. Pretty sure I won Christmas. That's how that works, right?

Speaking of balls, I got this badass card for the Good Doctor’s birthmas. Pretty sure I won Christmas. That’s how that works, right?

Strike 3 YOU’RE OUT: For the finale: one of the Good Doctor’s half-brothers (it’s a veritable episode of Downton Abbey on the reg) asked me whether it is politically correct or not to refer to Black people as “colored.” If my facial expression was any clue, he then proceeded to try and explain to me that it was commonplace in his little village, and certainly supported by his grandmother who bears a striking resemblance to Irma Grese (look it up). I know I’m jet-lagged, but are we sure I’m not in Texas?



However, in the spirit of the holidays and the approaching new year, it’s time that I give some thanks and stop complaining, even though complaining comes more naturally to me (because Jewish). First and foremost, thank fuck the Good Doctor doesn’t still want to live there. Thanks, NYC, for surrounding me with friends who read the news, continue wasting heaps of money on their education, and have semi-intellectual debates before heading off to the strip club (sorry, Joe). Thanks, Texas, for preparing me to deal with racism through experience, teaching others, and knowing better. And lastly, thanks to this tiny town in wherever the bumblefuck I am for reminding me that I’m a damned lucky bitch to live in NYC. Hm, tell Mr. Potato Head that I think I know my place just fine.

Happy happies of all varieties, dear readers. This is Kitty, signing out.

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Because Santa doesn’t just give away cars

The holiday season may be over, but the ads are still running, like this Infiniti one I keep seeing pop up on Comedy Central.  Take a look for yourself:

The commercial is titled Santa Karma, and I understand what they were trying to do, but I have paid attention, and naturally I have a lot of questions:


I can’t tell where the road ends/sidewalk begins.

1.  Where the hell is this taking place?  And why is this dude is standing right in the middle of the road?

2.  If he is standing on the sidewalk then why is there very little separating pedestrians between traffic on an active roadway?

3.  Where is the woman in the blue coat and hat going in relation to the sidewalk?

Santa is in the tree-killing business?

Is that the same woman in the blue coat?

4. Seriously what is up with the sidewalk in this scene?  And why does Santa have it completely blocked off for foot traffic?

That is inconsiderate, and bad karma.


Our good samaritan buys a coffee for Santa.  How nice!

5.  How does he know how Santa takes his coffee?  Usually Santa Claus is more of a milk and cookies kind of guy.

Also when was the last time that a bell-ringing Santa actually brought out the good in someone?  Serious question.

6.  Did no one while shooting this scene say, “Hey that post in the foreground with the two ornaments?  That kind of looks like a dick.”  Because, seriously, it looks like a dick.  Like an Angry Disney animator hiding naughty things-kind of dick.


Moral of the story, kids: Always follow men in Santa suits up to their hotel rooms.

I am unclear as to the architecture of this place, and why this man is following Santa upstairs.

7.   Maybe I haven’t seen enough architecture styles in my lifetime of travel, but how many buildings feature this sort of design where a massive spiral staircase is flanked by windows?

Also who designed this place, Friedensreich Hundertwasser?


The commercial doesn’t make it clear right away, but I assume that this is the good samaritan’s house.

I also assume that prior to sewing he was taking inventory of his pinecones.

8.  If Santa was wearing his suit how did this man get it?  And wouldn’t that be considered stealing?

And isn’t that bad karma?

9.  Is this Santa’s apartment or hotel?  Wouldn’t this place have immediately tipped off the good samaritan that he could exploit Santa?


Because of his great deed of stealing Santa’s swag the good samaritan gets a car.


That is a lot of window decorating for just one guy.

I’ll never understand how people give each other cars in commercials.

10.  Does Santa also cover the insurance?  Is that lifetime-based?

11.  Is Sirius XM included with the package, or does the GS need to shell out for that separately?

12. Is the car under Santa’s name?

13. Also, who the hell is this good samaritan, and why is his house so massive?

Seriously, check the picture.  Those buildings are connected.


Is the garage to house this vehicle on the other side of the estate, then?

14.  For a man with a house this size was he really ever in desperate need of a car?  Couldn’t Santa have just as easily left a card reading, “A donation has been placed in your name”?

Much better karma.


15.  Did no one shooting this scene say, “Hey those obelisks in the background with the two bulbs?  Those kind of look like dicks.”  Because, seriously, those look like dicks.

For an encore viewing:

Happy Holidays, and cars to everyone!


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Doin’ the Charleston

No, not that one. The city where the Civil War started and Cap’n Chris lost his virginity to a ziploc bag of grits. Celebrating Christmas here with my family for our last group vacation of the year. Unless we all finally snap and kill each other, then it will be our last one for much longer. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go back to drinking my bourbon and sharpening my butter knife. Just in case. Happy Holidays!

Posted in Celebration, Drinking, Paul is Grumpy, Travel | Leave a comment