For those of you unfamiliar with semi-former BroCast staff member (He keeps threatening to write something else, but he’s full of shit. There’s no internet service in that yurt he’s living in beneath Grand Central Station) Lee Powers, you should be. Personally, I’ve been lucky/cursed by a mummy who looked exactly like ArnoldVosloo enough to have known him for nigh on two decades. Wait, really? Fuck me, I’m close to death.

Photo of me digitally aged one month.

Back to Señor Powers. As we’re both huge nerds (I just got a frame for the new Star Trek poster my girlfriend, who is totally real, got me! Whee!), he and I can get quite passionate about videogames. And, much like I have my nefarious campaign to eventually get all my friends as addicted to Borderlands 2 as I am, Lee has been demanding for years that I play the 2010 hit game Fallout New Vegas.

It’s like meth, but you keep your teeth!

I mostly enjoyed Fallout 3 and had heard good things about New Vegas, figured I’d give it a shot some day. Well my old chum apparently had enough of my malarkey. He picked up a used copy at Gamestop and whipped it at me from a speeding van yesterday evening. A naked and hogtied fellow also fell out of the same van at the same time, but that’s not my problem. Because a gift from Lee Powers, for whatever reason, is a rare thing. The last present he gave me was for my 17th birthday and it was my DVD copy of Band of Brothers that he’d had for 6 months.

And no, Lee, it was not a “new copy” like you continuously claim. It had the same dent in the back, you liar.

So in honor of such a special occasion, I’m going to live-blog (ála my World Cup shenanigans) my opening foray into post-apocalyptic Las Vegas. Tally-ho!

00:15 – Opening cinematic. Bioshock flashbacks.

01:02 – “War. War never changes…” Fuck yeah, Ron Perlman. Never gets old.

03:30 – Hey look, I’m about to be buried in the desert. Cool opener, bro. And I like this guy’s suit. Even if he is about to shoot me in the face.

No hard feelings. Well, some hard feelings.

05:00 – It’s Colonel frakkin’ Tigh and he’s operating on my brain.

08:48 – Gave my character a muttonstache. Because my imagination knows no bounds and likes to think it was in the Civil War.

10:00 – Vigor tester? Bioshock Infinite flashback.

12:10 – I know this guy’s helping me, but I’m just gonna take all the useful shit in his house. Ooh, shotgun ammo.

Did you just take my bullets, you frakking toaster lover?!

15:13 – A set of Rorschach tests in the middle of a video game? That’s a new one. And yes, they all look like vaginas. Though the last one’s a really angry one. Yeesh.

20:01 – Aah, outside again. Breathe that fully irradiated, carcinogenic air.

20:52 – Gotta say, this ruined, ramshackle town surviving in the wake of nuclear war looks almost exactly likeTwentynine Palms.

My old house is on the left.

26:29 – Behold, I have shot a giant lizard in the face! The game is truly afoot.

31:55 – Now on a mission to pick flowers. I miss the lizards. Even though I saw them eat a woman.

35:38 – Ahh, shooting a giant praying mantis. Now we’re back on track.

43:11 – Robot cowboy.

The Good, The Bot, and The Rusty.

46:00 – Giant scorpions. Suck laser pistol, stingface!

53:00 – Sure is a lot of walking around to do after the apocalypse.

1:10:10 – Yep…

1:12:20 – Talking to some people in a bar. The worst part of being in a bar.

1:23:05 – Now talking to a dude in an abandoned gas station. How Craigslist.

I’m not.

1:34:23 – Stole stuff from an abandoned school.

1:49:12 – Yeeeeep…

1:53:36 – Finally! Time to start a gunfight with a bunch of bandits in town. Yee-haw.

1:58:37 – Well, we beat the bandits. But the guy who I was fighting them on behalf of got his head blown clean off. Nobody else seemed bothered by that fact, so…yay?

2:03:41 – In an attempt to help rescue some dude’s girlfriend, my face was eaten by a pack of those fucking lizards. And I’d just gotten a sweet new cowboy hat to wear. Curses.

Bury me with my Stetson!

Well, that’ll about do it for now. Kind of a slow start, but by no means a bad one. I’ll definitely take a crack again, as I imagine the pace picks up as it goes. Plus, I’d like to avoid having anything thrown at me from a moving van. At least for a while.

Specifically this van.

Thanks for the gift, Lee!