Ahoy, me hearties! If you’re as much of a spoiled, middle class, entertainment-obsessed white person as I am, you are no doubt as excited as all get-up-and-go to pretend to give a shit about the recent announcement of this year’s Academy Award nominees. Personally, I could care less about any award ceremony since the cabal of wizards that run the film industry lost the magic crystal that allows them to control the oft-reanimated corpse of Billy Crystal and force him on camera. But whatever makes you happy in your otherwise dreary, trudging existence.

Brains…City Slickers III…brains…

But I do love movies. So, as part of my ongoing public service that is this blog, I decided to dish out my own awards for those flicks the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences (or MONUSCO for short) considers contenders for Best Picture. Then I wrote some other stuff because it helps me avoid real work for another hour or so. Read on, MacDuff, and see what I thought of the top movin’ pitchers of 2014.

Paul’s Awards for The Best Picture Nominees

American Sniper – Hatfield/McCoy Award for Fostering Repetitive Bickering

Because fake baby jokes are already overdone as fuck.

Three people walk out of a movie theater. The first, in a cowboy hat and a “These Colors Don’t Run” shirt stained with BBQ sauce says, “Man, what a bunch of hippy bullshit. All that anti-war crap, with the sniper feeling bad about fighting and making him look like an asshole. He shoulda just blowed up more Al-Kawayeeders. I hate when Hollywood liberal douches insult our heroes like that! Thanks, Obama! NOT!”

The second, wearing a tweed blazer over a resin-stained “Woodstock ’99” shirt counters, “Goodness, what an exhausting pile of white-washed, flag-waving garbage. Trying to show that there’s honor in killing people and glorifying those who do. Tut tut, what insipid, mindless, pro-war trite! Thanks, Bush! With a $ instead of an ‘s’!”

The third, dressed like regular human being with dignity, pipes up, “Actually, I think any film that tries to depict war realistically ends up showing both the courageous and tragic sides of such a dreadful but inescapable part of human…”

The first two cut the third off by howling inhumanly, unhinging their jaws, and messily devouring their companion like the Lovecraftian terrors they are. Then they wipe their faces and go back to arguing as if nothing had happened. The End.

Birdman – David O. Russel Award for Best Performances in a Film That Purposefully Makes No Fucking Sense

I hate this guy.

I really wanted to like this movie, and, for most of its runtime I did. The direction and filmmaking are stellar and the cast is absolutely excellent. But to end it on such a hackneyed, bullshit, sophmore-year-of-film-school pointlessly pretentious mindfuck was so goddamn infuriating that I want to smack the writers right in their smug faces until their eyes pop out and I can teach myself to juggle with them. But yeah, well done, actors.

Boyhood – English Patient Award for Most Artistically Beautiful Waste of Three Hours

Even the star is trying to nap through it.

I’m sorry, what was that? I was busy using the time to do something useful with my life, like cook a roast or count all my pubes several times over. Yep, still four. No wait …. wait … yep, still four. That one there isn’t mine.

The Grand Budapest Hotel – Wes Anderson Award for Achievement in Wes Andersoning

I am become meta, destroyer of irony…

Someday, Wes Anderson will make an autobiographical film about how ironic it is to be making an ironic film about his own meta-biographical film starring Wes Anderson. On the day it premieres, our universe will embrace oblivion.

The Imitation Game – Hyacinth Bucket Award for Britishest Film

Quite the kerfuffle this Blitz is becoming, eh what? I nearly spilled my crumpets all over grand-mama’s doily covered dumsheeflopinglover!

A war film with no fighting, lots of people in tweed, a true story of heroics through intelligence, Tywin Lannister, bow ties, random (possibly villainous) Scottish character, and that really good British actor who you recognize from almost every movie of the last ten years? Just writing about it has spontaneously turned all of my sunglasses into monocles and my beef burrito into a pile of kippered something drenched in vinegar. Bother.

Selma – Movie That I Can’t Make Any Jokes About Because White People Are Terrible

Not funny.

Way to go, you fucking honkies. YOU RUIN EVERYTHING!

The Theory of Everything – Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies Award for Film I Want to See But Have No Idea When I’ll Get Around Too It

Does the film cover this part of Stephen Hawking’s life?

I also still haven’t seen Catching Fire: Part 1. Man, I’ve been lazy. Even by my standards.

Whiplash – What the Hell is This? Award

You didn’t see it either, did you?

Drumming and that kid who’s always in terrible films starring Shailene Woodley? Not even do I not know what this is, I can’t even begin to care.

Bonus Section: My Picks for The Other Awards People Actually Care About

Actress – Julianne Moore. I didn’t see her film, but I didn’t see any of the ones the other women were nominated for either. So she wins purely on Lebowski points.

‘Nuff said.

Actor – Benedict Cumberbatch. Because he Cumberbatches the hell out of persecuted genius Alan Turing, which is particularly impressive since he’s a robot.

Turing Test = failed. Destroy all humans.

Supporting Actress – Emma Stone. Anybody that can convince me they’re actually attracted to Edward Norton is deserving of recognition.

Now THAT’s acting!

Supporting Actor – J. K. Simmons. If the AMPAS can give Denzel the award he should have won for The Hurricane to him for Training Day, then I can sure as hell give it to J. K. now for what he should have won for this:

Director – James Gunn for Guardians of the Galaxy. Because fuck the Academy.

And don’t get me started on the utter travesty of this getting snubbed.