Hey, so, funny story: you know how medicine is supposed to make you better and shit? Sometimes it doesn’t! Sometimes, for example, you get a prescription for a nasal decongestant, but you have an extremely rare hypersensitive allergic reaction. So you go from having a stuffy nose to bronchospasms, hacking up wads of phlegm the size of testicles, and a dandy rash to boot. Why, that would just be as ironic as hell, wouldn’t it? Or maybe it’s just stupid. Either way, it’s infuriating and my rash is bugging the crap out of me.

Like this, but with more frogs.

Yep, I’ve had a fun week. To make myself feel better, I thought up even more counterproductive side effects for medications because thinking of others suffering gives me strength. It’s why I play violent video games. I’m also thinking of getting into voodoo.

Me in about five years.

So, here are some side effects I made up for various types of medical drugs. Prep the OR for wackiness! And anal fissure repair!

• Hair growth pill: can cause you to grow beards in odd places, like on your elbow or newborn baby.
• Prescription suntan lotion: Spontaneous Skinversion.
• Fungus cream: fungal infection falls off your body completely, then rapidly evolves into a society of vaguely malevolent mushrooms that often enslave wandering adventurers.
  

  Like this, but in your bathroom.

• Eye drops: your eyes merge together and you become a cyclops.
• Pain medication: you never feel pain again, but the longer you go without it the more terrified you become of ever feeling it again. Often results in a panic disorder or supervillainy.
• Restless Leg Syndrome meds: you constantly flap your arms slowly and methodically, like a majestic condor circling lazily in a clear, blue sky.
  

  But my legs are so restful!

• Anti-nausea meds: you still throw up, but now it shoots out of your fingertips.
• Those cold/flu hot drink powders: you grow a second mouth on your lower back and it often yells out old-timey racist insults in social situations.
• Asthma inhaler: you grow gills. They’re also asthmatic, so you can’t even breath that well underwater.
  

  Like this, but not as god-fucking- awful.

• Xanax: you lose the ability to see the letter “X.” Naturally, the stress of this makes you reach for your bottle of “_ana_” which only reminds you of the tale of cautionary horror you now live in.
• Store brand disinfectant cream: you become compelled to ceaselessly tell everyone you know that store brand products are just as good as name brand ones, which will eventually cause them to beat you with shovels.
• Headache pills: Severe Cranial Lovecraftose Intolerance.
  

  That’s doctor talk for “this thing appears and eats your entire head for all eternity.”

• Boner pills: your penis will make the clanking, chugging sounds of a 19th century steam locomotive while erect and, upon ejaculation, will sing the famous folk ballad “Wreck of the Old 97” in its entirety.
•  Cholesterol medication: you now react to butter like a vampire does to a cross. Hiss, cape over the face, et al.
• Laudanum: if you are currently taking this, then you have already experienced the time travel effect, because nobody has taken laudanum in like a hundred friggin’ years. Please take three dozen Flintstone chewables every day until you’ve returned to your own era. Good luck with the Comanches or typhoid or whatever.
  

  Good luck with your “ill humors” or “ill humours” or “ill huoumouououuuurs” or whatnot.

   

Makes you think, huh? Don’t answer that, because you’ll just be talking to your computer. Which would mean you’re an idiot, a lunatic, or suffering from a rare side effect of excessive hair gel called Paul’s-Dad-Itis (it causes you to yell at computers and smartphones because you don’t understand them and refuse to ask anybody else to assist you in their use). If you think you may be experiencing Paul’s-Dad-Itis, or any of the other above symptoms, contact your doctor immediately or watch a full season of House while drinking heavily. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to try to wrest my cough drops from the clutches of those goddamn myconids that have set up camp in my sink.

Give me back my bag of Halls Mentho-Lyptus, you son of a bitch!