Just like last year, I’m here to help people become less terrible. And by people I mean you. You suck. I’m great. So here are some New Year’s resolutions to consider if you still haven’t made one. You lazy spaz.

• Bring back Mayor Rob Ford. Not as a mayor or leader in any capacity, but just in general. That piece of shit was a laugh riot.
• Make Facebook less crappy.
• Produce a good film about giant insects attacking a major city. That’s a genre that’s overdue.
  

  Like this, but good.

• Watch Twin Peaks. I never have, but it’s one of those things everybody tells everybody else to do.
• Gain weight. Mix it up this year.
• Come up with a less annoying ending to Birdman.
• Give me more time to write this list.
• Blow me.

Stuff to do. End of list. See you next year/week!