Oh, how I’ve missed you so! Finals have been tackled yet again for this perpetual real-life-avoider, which means the time has come. It’s that time of year when I go to celebrate a newly discovered Christian holiday involving fat men who B&E to leave gifts, laziness in the form of an all-day pajama-fest, and an amount of food that my Jewish roots are more familiar with. I have set off to see the in-laws in Jolly Ol’ England for Christmas, which happens to be the Good Doctor’s birthday, an association that he also happens to hate. While the Good Doctor and I have developed a system to travel very efficiently to see the small town yokels that live in the English countryside, it takes an extra level of skill and preparation to avoid the perils of jet lag while traveling such a distance. Jet lag is that fun circadian rhythm altering voodoo that occurs when you physically plane-travel to another time zone while you mentally remain in the previous time zone. Thankfully, this privileged white Jewess has crafted a system to avoid this machination entirely!

Step 1: Hydration

While you may not want to get up and crush the toes/legs/nards of the inevitably larger person sitting adjacent to you to pee, tough. Get a bottle of water before you get on the plane, or take every plastic cup of water offered to you by the oddly-sinister-yet-smiling flight attendant. This fights the headache, body ache, and other general malaise that comes from traveling. Also, you’ll need some water to assist with step 4.

If you step on my toes one more time I SWEAR TO GOD

Step 2: Eat in the time zone you want to be in

The best way to realign your circadian rhythm to a new time zone is to eat in the right time zone. You can start doing this before you arrive at the airport, especially if you’re doing an overnight flight. Eat dinner when it would technically be dinnertime at your port of call, and then sleep the plane-ride away to wake up feeling hunky-dory.

Aw Patrick, it’s 3am. You’re fucked.

Step 3: Avoid the perils of the drink

Obviously, this is a step I pretend is merely suggestion. And if you had the mother I have, you would know that it is bad form to waste all of the free United drink vouchers that you’ve collected over the past year. So, if you must drink, which I assume one always must whilst being projected for long distances in a tin can for hours on end with little to entertain you, make sure you hydrate as well, otherwise you’re going to feel like the cranky asshole you are when you land.

And don’t we know it.

Step 4: When you got it, flaunt it

To help you catch some much needed Z’s on a redeye, you can opt for the natural alternative (Melatonin), or whatever funstuffs your ‘doctor’ has prescribed for your 50’s housewife syndrome (namely Xanax or Ativan). Make sure you try whatever you’re planning on tinkering around with BEFORE you travel. No one wants to find out that they’re the sleepwalker who pees their pants and yells about Uncle Paul’s bad days on an overnight flight. No one.

But don’t forget your limit…we all know where too many sleeping pills will getcha 

Step 5: Be prepared

Mustafa knows what it takes to travel long distances to thwart his rivals. Wait, what the hell was I talking about? Oh yea, fighting jet lag. If you need to sleep on the plane, make sure you have all of your creature comforts. Earplugs or noise-canceling headphones, eye mask, neck pillow, coat that can serve as a neck pillow, a recording of Rafi’s greatest hits, whatever helps you get to sleep and stay asleep.

Seriously, what the hell was I on about…

Well, that should be enough to get you through your more difficult holiday travels. Can’t help you deal with the in-laws, though – that’s an entirely separate list of suggestions. Good luck getting to wherever you need to be, drink and eat more than should be allowed, and I hope someone gives you something better than socks for Christmas. And if you celebrate Hannukah, I hope you liked your socks. This is Kitty, signing out.