Even Funner “Facts”

Remember this? Great, right? You bet your third nipple it is! Let’s do it again, beginning with my asking “Did you know…”

  • PowerPoint presentations have been shown to cause suicide in lab rats.
  • People who need people are, in fact, only the 3rd luckiest people in the world.
  • If you gathered together all the attack zeppelins used in WWI, you could mess the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade the fuck up.

    I'd watch. For once.

    I’d watch. For once.

  • The most annoying noise in the world, according to an accredited survey, is you when you say the word “hashtag” out loud.
  • If you stood every person in South America on each other’s shoulders, most of them would die from lack of oxygen.
  • Senator Ted Cruz is, anatomically, a hagfish.

    Net Neutrality bad! Blargh! More dead whale flesh!

    Net Neutrality bad! Blargh! More dead whale flesh!

  • 9 out of 10 doctors agree you’re doing it wrong.
  • Scientists at the Large Hadron Collider have proven that those who frequently talk about how they wish they had been alive in the 60’s are the second-worst group of people in the world.
  • More marriages, per year, end in divorce than in a woodchipper.
  • Everyone in front of you on the sidewalk is, in fact, walking that slowly just to fuck with you.

    We all hate you!

    We all hate you!

  • The #1 high school in the US is probably full of  super twitchy teenagers who get no sleep and absolutely hate the shit out of their parents.
  • Most species of monkeys can’t make a club sandwich worth a damn.
  • Those same LHC scientists have proven that those who were alive in the 60’s are the worst group of people in the world.

    You're all terrible.

    You’re all terrible.

  • You need to cut the red wire.
  • Statistically, the best exercise for burning fat is forcing down the urge to strangle people who STILL won’t shut the fuck up about CrossFit.
  • Every single US president came out of a vagina at least once in their life.

    Even this big bastard. His poor mother.

    Even this big bastard. His poor mother.

  • There are more bacteria living on the average smartphone than in that dumpster you ate a pizza out of that one time.
  • Dancing like nobody’s watching is the most frequent cause of shin splints in morons who like stupid sayings.
  • People who need the antidote are the unluckiest people in the world.

    Ah shit.

    Ah shit.

As always, you’re welcome. Now attach the red wire to the green wire….

About Paul

By reading this blog, you legally forfeit your right to cry, eat tofu, or watch movies where people kiss in the rain and sh*t!
This entry was posted in Assholes, BroCast is Awesome, Death, Famous People, Lists, Nerd Stuff, O Brave New World..., Ugly People. Bookmark the permalink.

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