Remember this? Great, right? You bet your third nipple it is! Let’s do it again, beginning with my asking “Did you know…”

• PowerPoint presentations have been shown to cause suicide in lab rats.
• People who need people are, in fact, only the 3rd luckiest people in the world.
• If you gathered together all the attack zeppelins used in WWI, you could mess the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade the fuck up.
  

  I’d watch. For once.

• The most annoying noise in the world, according to an accredited survey, is you when you say the word “hashtag” out loud.
• If you stood every person in South America on each other’s shoulders, most of them would die from lack of oxygen.
• Senator Ted Cruz is, anatomically, a hagfish.
  

  Net Neutrality bad! Blargh! More dead whale flesh!

• 9 out of 10 doctors agree you’re doing it wrong.
• Scientists at the Large Hadron Collider have proven that those who frequently talk about how they wish they had been alive in the 60’s are the second-worst group of people in the world.
• More marriages, per year, end in divorce than in a woodchipper.
• Everyone in front of you on the sidewalk is, in fact, walking that slowly just to fuck with you.
  

  We all hate you!

• The #1 high school in the US is probably full of  super twitchy teenagers who get no sleep and absolutely hate the shit out of their parents.
• Most species of monkeys can’t make a club sandwich worth a damn.
• Those same LHC scientists have proven that those who were alive in the 60’s are the worst group of people in the world.
  

  You’re all terrible.

• You need to cut the red wire.
• Statistically, the best exercise for burning fat is forcing down the urge to strangle people who STILL won’t shut the fuck up about CrossFit.
• Every single US president came out of a vagina at least once in their life.
  

  Even this big bastard. His poor mother.

• There are more bacteria living on the average smartphone than in that dumpster you ate a pizza out of that one time.
• Dancing like nobody’s watching is the most frequent cause of shin splints in morons who like stupid sayings.
• People who need the antidote are the unluckiest people in the world.
  

  Ah shit.

As always, you’re welcome. Now attach the red wire to the green wire….