Okay, I got a stack of whatnot to do a mile high, and two-thirds of that mile is finishing stitching together the gigantic, authentic fish tail to match the clam bikini top I’ll be wearing for Halloween tomorrow. To answer your two questions: yes, the tail is actually made out of fish and no, I will not be shaving my lush beard or densely wooded chest. You’re welcome.

Closeup of me shirtless.

So, in the interest of me getting shit done and trying to make your Halloween tomorrow infinitely more awesome, here’s my input on how to have a ghoulishly good time on this beloved holiday for children of all ages and adults who like the idea of ComicCon, but wish there was more leeway in getting hammered and unconsciously urinating down the leg of a  Brony costume. Take it away, tips!

• Don’t get snarky when somebody doesn’t get your obscure costume. Not everyone you hit on will know who TV’s Frank is, so chill the hell out.
• If you plan on drinking while wearing a costume that involves more makeup than a Rick Baker film, be prepared for how disgusting your face and clothing will end up looking.
• If you’re going as a pun costume, wear a protective cup. And a catcher’s mask. Because people will instinctively attack you.
  

  SHOOT IT! SHOOT IT IN THE FACE!

• No blackface. You’d think people would know better, but there’s always some asshole every damn year…
• If you have a costume that requires props, you’re annoying everyone around you. Know that.
• When buying bulk bags of mixed fun-size candy, don’t get one withWhoppers in it. Because you’ll just wind up with a big bag ofWhoppers. And what the hell are you gonna do with them? Eat them? Gross.
  

  Did your family not allow you to eat things that taste good as a child?

• If going as part of a group costume, should tether yourselves together like spastic children on a field trip.
• Don’t smoke if you’re wearing any fake facial hair. Or do, that sounds like it would be pretty funny to see go down.
• Don’t break character. Like, if you’re going as Rick from The Walking Dead, be sure to yell at inappropriate times and ask everyone you meet “if they’ve seen Caaaarrrrrrrrrrrllllllllll!”
  

  And make this face a lot.

• Ignore the formless voices demanding you to kill the innocent to give power to demonic overlords. We all hear them every Halloween, you’re not special. Just let it go.
• If you’re dressed in a costume that can be tipped over, you will be tipped over.
• Don’t dress up your pet. For the love of balls, don’t dress up your pet. Studies show that people who do are 153% more likely to either commit suicide or own a marital aide named after a Jane Austen character. You decide which sounds worse.
  

  This cat’s owner sewed that together in the six hours since “Mister Darcy” ran out of DD batteries. 

You are continuously welcome. And if you were hoping for a bit more costume-centric advice, give a gander at my post from two weeks ago. Or gaze in wonder upon my latest similarly themed article for the fine folks at Task & Purpose. Now, if you’ll excuse me, my costume is starting to smell, so it’s time for another trip to the fishmonger.