(Editor’s Note: all picture captions will be provided by special guest co-author Mister Torgue, the President of the Torgue Corporation)

As I’ve written about before, I think most video games are goddamn awful. But, as I’ve also made clear in that linked post as well as this one and that one, when I do find a rare game I enjoy, I enjoy it hard. Hard, nasty, and for a long damn time. Oooh, yeah, you love it. Among those games is (for those of you too lazy to click that link in the first sentence) Borderlands 2. It’s a frickin’ awesome, fun as hell, hilarious, forty-plus hours of rampaging around the fictional planet of Pandora blasting away waves of bizarre enemies and carrying out wacky, wild missions with one to four players and literally, as the developers rightfully claim, a “bazillion” different guns.

Pretty ladies fist-bumbing after murdersplosion! Because pretty ladies can be tough too! Meedlymeedlymeedlymow!

So, with that in mind, guess what I did with my recent weekend after Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel debuted last Tuesday? If you guessed “moved from my couch and did productive things that advanced human civilization,” then you are dumb. So dumb. An unknown quantity of time and several gallons of green tea, later I wiped my bleary eyes and grinned, having been temporarily sated of my desire to shoot axe-weilding midgets with a shotgun that swears in an Australian accent when you fire it on the surface of Pandora’s moon, Elpis.

And it yells out things like “Pump more in me” when you reload it. This causes me great and confusing sexual arousal! AMBIGUOUS BONER!

Several showers and comas later, I went on the interwebs to check the reviews of the game and was surprised to find them more on the critical side than I had expected. And nearly all of the criticism was of the fact that the reviewers found the game too similar to Borderlands 2. You know, the critically acclaimed, award-winning and widely loved game in the series that was the best-selling game in the history of the developer. Imagine them being so foolish as to stick with that formula. Why, people hate enjoying good things more than once! That’s why no one ever has sex with someone they’re attracted to more than once, or ever orders the same sandwich twice.

I will never not eat a beef burrito. MARIACHI GUITAR RIF!

This is how we get games like Super Mario Sunshine and weird-looking crap like The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker. This is why the Call of Duty series is now all about drones and stupid future, quasi-political horseshit, and not about shooting Nazis in groin with a Tommy Gun anymore. Why we haven’t had a good Doom game in years and why most RTS games these days are garbage. People who demand that every single new game to be absolutely mind-blowing and ground-breaking in every way are what terrify and drive developers to throw babies out with bathwater and get rid of the elements of games people love along with the shit they really should improve.

It’s not good when a games makes you miss Nazis. Even if it is just to shoot them in the genitals! WITH ICONIC SUBMACHINE GUNS! Squibblydabblybaddoww!

Yes, The Pre-Sequel is almost identical to Borderlands 2 in mechanics and gameplay. But it’s by no means repetitive (one of the greatest sins on most videogames, and why I immediately judge anyone who still plays the GTA series as a twit). The environment is different, the little tweaks in gravity add a little extra kick to the already-fun combat, new critters and locations are a hoot, and the story is as fresh, funny, and unpredictable as a game could hope to be. So I find it strange that people who loved the last game would find this one disappointing for anything beyond the fact that it’s noticeably shorter. Which, as a matter of fact, most of the reviewers additional complaint.

You didn’t like doing this, but you also wanted more of this? YOUR HYPOCRITICAL ASSESSMENTS ARE REFLECTIVE OF LARGER PROBLEMS WITHIN THE COMMUNITY OF GAME REVIEWERS!

Sometimes, people just like to bitch. Everyone who writes for us, for example. But when we do it, it’s cheeky and fun, plus nobody reads this blog so we have absolutely no impact on the world. But when your bitching has a chance of affecting one of the diamonds in the sea of turds that is videogaming? That don’t won’t hunt, monsignor. If you don’t like something I like, that’s just fine (no it isn’t, I hate you) but have a reason (or reasons) that isn’t (aren’t/ain’t/do nay be) stupid. But enough of my bitching for today. Let’s end this article on some high notes. Literally. Take it away, Mister Torgue High-Five Flexington!

And, yes, that is his actual full name. Because these games are frickin’ awesome.