Okay, I have shit to do today so this is going to be a quick one. Since I’ve become a young, New York hotshot who does cool things and wears suits while drinking upwards of 1.2 times per week (on average), I’ve started going to tons of fancy fundraisers. More than four in the last two years, if you must know. Save your jealousy for somebody who gives a poop, because I’m going to jot down a quick list of pointers for you to utilize if anyone ever confuses you for someone important and you get invited to one of these shindigs, where the money all allegedly goes to a good cause and there are lots of wealthy people with expensive escort who seem mildly confused as to what’s going on.

This jerk’s always there with some bimbo.

So, quick tips:

• Drink a lot. If it’s not open bar, it’s not really a fundraiser. You’ve been conned, suckface.
• Also, drink expensively. Blue label scotch mixed with Barolo and aged camembert? Make it a double!
• If there are going to be celebrities there, know who they are so you can pick which ones you’ll be annoying with praise/violations of restraining orders. And which ones you’ll be avoiding. Anthony Edwards has been trying to kill me for years, ever since I stole the mustache he had in Top Gun.
• Have something to say to those celebrities in case you do get to talk to them. Sure, it’s easy to give off-the-cuff praise to people like David Strathairn and Sal Giunta. But if Jake Gyllenhaal’s going to be there, you better know ahead of time which of his movies you’re going to pretend you like.
  

  Choose well, or he’ll know you’re lying.

• Go to whichever after-party has the richest people. That’s an easy one.
• Eat lots of appetizers. They’re almost always way better than the meal. Last time they had mini lobster rolls, which went great with all those glasses of merlot blended with Kame ne O sake I drank.
• Only take a gift bag if you’re going home right after or it contains booze. Carrying a damn tote out to the bar, nothing in it but a damn candle and a gift certificate for designer eyeglasses. I have 20/10 vision, you racists!
• Get laid.
• However exciting it is, don’t raise you’re hand during the auction. You’re poor as shit.
• Don’t eat so many appetizers that you don’t have room for dessert. About half the time, it’s better than the meal, too. Sometimes it’s crap, but, dammit, risks must be taken! The last two both had cookies!
  

  These go great with caviar and Bombay gin smoothies.

  All right, go get your fundraiser on. I have to finish shredding these ransom notes.