I’m going on a family trip tomorrow. Not like a simple weekend away or a holiday get together or even a road trip to bail my dad out of jail in El Paso for practicing obstetrics without a license (again). This is going to be a full-on, no holds barred, getting in a flying machine and traveling to wacky foreign land with a large portion of my clan. Starting tomorrow, the exotic locale of Quebec City, Canada will ring with the resounding hollers of my people. We shall carouse through the streets, drinking, startling the simple natives, and sing the songs of our ancestors (mostly Creedence Clearwater Revival, probably).
Yes my parents, my sister and her boyfriend, my cousin and her boyfriend, my uncle and his wife, a representative member of my dad’s second family in Vietnam, and I will join together for a family vacation. Should be a hoot. Or a shitshow. Or we’ll be kidnapped by lumberjacks. I dunno. Here’s some stuff that I predict will probably happen:
- I will be greeted every by my parents every morning with the phrase “Well look who’s finally up.”
- Same goes for my late-sleeping cousin. I feel her pain.
- Someone will scold me for not speaking French. It happened the last time I was in Quebec. Because I tried to order food in English. At a Subway. Assholes.
- Someone will get mad when the french fries they ordered come with gravy on them. Probably my dad.
- Someone will say “Eh” in a mocking tone.
- My uncle and I will drink. A lot.
- We will have a nice, classy dinner as a family and, at some point, my uncle will say something so absurdly funny that I will do a spit take, much to everyone’s shame. Just like at my Grandpa’s memorial service.
- I will try to figure out the words of the Canadian national anthem that come after “…our home and native land.” I think it ends with “…stand on guard for thee” or something.
- We will run out of wine or Xanax at a critical juncture. Thank Cthulhu I drink scotch.
- My dad will dance in the street.
- My sister will be horrified.
- A fight will erupt over whether or not Tom Brady should be hit by a bus made of rectal cancer (he should).
- A local will criticize America in such a way that implies we all have guns and voted unanimously for George W. Bush. We do and did, but still.
- Someone will be injured and then smugly claim that they will be taken care of for free since we’re in Canada. Because he or she won’t know that their healthcare system doesn’t cover you if you’re not a citizen.
- My uncle and I will drink more.
- So will my sister’s boyfriend.
- That’s when the Tom Brady fight will start.
- I will attempt to talk my dad into getting a 101st Airborne tattoo.
- My mom will make us walk to lots of educational places. I should pack better shoes.
- The Vietnamese relative will tell the story of how the prostitute with whom my father sired their family line once threw a shoe at General Westmoreland. It will be super awkward.
- We will all have a very good time.
- We will not want to see each other again for a very long time.
- The End.
So yeah, that’s all probably gonna happen. Now I have to pack. Do they use chopsticks in Quebec? I haven’t been in years. I’ll pack some forks anyway.
Oh, and while I’m gone, read my latest rocking good article for the folks at Task & Purpose. It’s about zombies!
1) Poutine has cheese curds as well as gravy. 2) Those fries are clearly frozen and undercooked. I’m not saying I wouldn’t eat them, but damn. You should be ashamed of yourself Quebec. Tabernac.
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