Here at BroCast, we care about your health. OK, that might be a bit of a stretch – we may care insofar as your health permits you to see and read our precocious blog. But that still counts. Because empathy.

Since there are so many diets out there to choose from, how could you possibly make an informed and worthwhile decision? I have a suggestion to parse all the riffraff of the Paleo, Atkins/Low-Carb-High-Fat, Macrobiotic, FODMAP, Vegan, and any other popular diets. My suggestion: follow bona fide, tried and true diets; the ones experienced in movie plots and by rock stars, of course! 

Here is your infallible guide to dieting, from a group of people who I’m sure have never heard of or acknowledged the term:

The Machinist:

Daily intake: 1 apple + 1 glass scotch

Editor’s note: add scotch as becomes necessary. Also, no sleeping.

Results: A slender, unrecognizable skeletor version of your former self! The ladies will swoon. Or pass out at the very sight of you. Same difference.

Side effects: You may hallucinate to the point that you convince yourself that you haven’t murdered a good many people.

On second thought, you may want to eat a burger…

The Bowie:

Daily intake: Bell peppers + Milk + Cocaine

Editor’s note: amounts of each vary; experiment until sated

Results: A slender, androgynous version of your former self! Also, a lifelong marriage to Iman.

Side effects: Hallucinations that you are, in fact, suspended forever in space. You may also make a terrible decision to sing in the street with Mick Jagger. DO NOT FOLLOW THIS INSTINCT.

Down with Gender Norms! Up with Spandex!

The Real Housewife:

Daily intake: Diet pills + Vodka

Editor’s note: there will be a need to order food at community events – do not eat said food. Instead, pick a fight at the table so you have an excuse to walk away and grab more diet pills.

Results: After a few seasons, you’ll be complimented on your weight loss! If not, get plastic surgery and make veiled jokes about the stress you’ve been experiencing which has left you very little time to eat.

Side effects: A false belief that you have the talent to pursue a fashion line or that you have the ability to sing and get a record deal. You have neither.

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

The Trainspotter 5-Day Cleanse (AKA: The Sick Boy Method):

Daily intake: Over the course of five days whilst locked in a room with soothing music, consume and utilize the following:

• Tomato soup, 10 tins of
• Mushroom soup, 8 tins of
• Ice cream, vanilla, 1 large tub of
• Magnesia, milk of, 1 bottle
• Paracetamol
• Mouthwash
• Vitamins
• Mineral water
• Lucozade
• Pornography
• 1 mattress
• 1 bucket for urine, one for feces, and one for vomitus
• 1 television
• 1 bottle of valium

Editor’s note: DO NOT leave the room.

Results: You’ll kick your heroin habit! Wait, what…

Side effects: The boredom and seclusion alone will send you tearing out of the room for another fix. But the intentional planning is to be held in high regard.

And if you need to shed those few extra pounds…

The Mad Ad Man:

Daily intake: Liquor + protein + Liquor + cigarettes + Liquor

Editor’s note: Liquor of any variety must be consumed at every meal, especially when others are watching.

Results: A high-powered, well-paid and well-respected occupation in which you can sexually denigrate women while having sex with all of the women. All. The. Women.

Side effects: As has been seen in previous diets, hallucinations may occur. If they do, commit to a strong lie or violent rampage, the aftereffects of which will make any accusers leave you alone. You may also leave your bitchy wife for a sexier, younger model with terrible teeth. This will end poorly.

Power Lunch

Well, hopefully this has given you some food for thought. GET IT?! Ah, the satisfaction of ending on a bad pun. I have thusly met the needs of my weekend. This is Kitty, signing off.