People, typically the insufferable type (more insufferable than the general level of insufferable that I find most people to be at, that is), always like to quip and muse about things that need to be “brought back.” Things that are either completely or mostly gone from our slick, heartless modern world. Sometimes these lamented lost whatchamacallits are deservedly missed. I would love having new episodes of Futurama to chuckle most heartily and whale oil lanterns to warmly light the sidewalks at night.

Ah, the glow of nostalgia fueled by the endangering of numerous species and the deaths of many a Nantucketer.

But most of the time, they’re gone for a reason. Like Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the megalodon. Because most things are terrible, and gone things are no exception. In fact, there are more than a few things that I wish would go away so insufferable people could complain about them, becoming even more hated by everyone else until they are stabbed en masse a la famed Roman Emperor Julius Ceasar’s Palace. Or something. Does that make sense? I don’t care, here’s a list stuff I wish would go away:

• Fashion advertising on Facebook.
• Youtube comments.
• Needlessly bacon-flavored things.
  

  You’re ruining it!

• Flavored booze.
• Especially that cinnamon whiskey shit.
  

  Oh look, a bottle of garbage. How terrible.

• Soccer.
• Whatever music the kids are listening to these days.
• Principalities.
  

  Who the hell do you think you are, Andorra?

• Mustaches, but only so they can come back again as something not ruined by fucking hipsters.
• My self-destructive desire to keep watching The Walking Dead.
• Pushy vegans.
• Pushy vegetarians.
• Anyone on the sidewalk with a clipboard.
  

  Fuck you and the whales you rode in on.

• Cancer.
• Lawton, Oklahoma.
• Dust.
  

  None of this.

• This pain in my left shoulder blade.
• You.
• Your face.
• The stench of failure.
• Fedoras.
• 95% of all TV commercials. Especially those fucking Amazon phone ads. Gahh, I just want to punch that little boy in his stupid ugly craw!
  

  HATRED.

• Gregor Clegane.
• Parades. Who still likes parades?
• Avatar and all potential sequels.
• Seances.
  

  Save it for Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, you wankers.

• Spin classes and the people who talk endlessly about them.
• Juice cleanses and the people who talk endlessly about them.
• Taupe.
  

  It’s just brown for dickheads.

• Poachers.
• That stupid little yippy dog next door.
• Australopithecus Africanus.
• The giant squid. I mean, now that we know there’s a colossal squid, what’s the point of the giant one?
  

  You little bitch.

• Entree salads.
• That one fly I can never squish.
  

  From hell’s heart, I swat at thee!

• All advertising on Facebook.
• And, of course, Citibike.
  

  For hate’s sake I spit my last breath at thee!

Boom, done. Granted, there are lots more things I hate. But this is a good start. Well, a continuation, rather, because all I talk about on this blog is stuff I hate. And, sometimes, really awesome movies. That’s all for me. Until next week, keep the lamp oil burning, you lost sons of New Bedford!