The other day I had a soda can on my desk.  The can came from a bistro, which earlier that week had been traveling in a truck (the can, not the bistro), and prior sitting in storage, on a crate in some kind of warehouse.

Doubleplus Rats

So what do you do with a potentially gross mcnasty soda can?  Clean the top, dummy.  However, if no sink is available to you, put in a straw.

Unfortunately the problem with straws is that they will never stand upright once you open a can of any Carbonated Beverage®.  You have to wait until enough Beverage® has been drained.

Otherwise the light plastic straw gets flooded with Bev® and rises to the top of the can.

This is grade-A bullshit

Because physics.

Another way to make the straw appear upright is to crush the shit out of the can.

The Million Dollar Idea:  You take a straw and completely redesign it.

We can rebuild them.

You attach wings that (when folded out) resemble a plate stand.

It’s for plates.

Attach them to the straw and voila!

Has no one said phrasing yet?  To any of this?

That straw will not go anywhere if its arms cannot pass through the top of the can.

There may be is money to be made.  Pretty soon the fold-out straw will become the only kind of straw.  Standard Cylindrical Straws won’t cut it anymore.

Visual Approximation of the Straw Future

You can market shapes and colors.  It’s brilliant.

Oh wait a minute…

…what?

I could have done this the whole time?

Well, fuck.

So much for this idea.