Over the course of the last year and thirteen days (or 4.29696825 years for our readers on Mercury) since we’ve started this blog, Eric and I have often mentioned the great and glorious GI Joe Drinking Game. And rightly so. It’s awesome and you should try it. It will fuck you up fast in a way so goddamn American, that a terrorist’s head explodes somewhere in the world for every half-hour you play. No fooling. I hear if you can play it for more than three hours your penis grows an inch. Then you die from alcohol poisoning.

This was maybe twenty minutes in.

While this particular contest of livers and wills was a creation of mine that I perfected with Eric over many a plate of wings back in our college days, the idea of a drinking game based on a TV show is nothing new. People have been coming up with them since the days of yore and should keep coming up with them. Especially if they’re as clever as me. So here’s a few more suggestions of ways to drink to the flickering idjit box. Some are half-baked, some are fully baked, others are more of a ceviche type dish.

Like this, but without potential mercury poisoning.

More TV Drinking Games

While watching House, drink when:

• It’s not lupus.
• Someone says “House.”
• Someone says “ass.”
• Vicodin is ingested.
• Do a shot whenever it dawns on you that Hugh Laurie is British.

I gots me license from the Ministry of ‘ealth, m’lud!

While watching Battlestar Galactica, drink when:

• Condition one is set and/or the alert vipers are launched.
• Someone says a form of “frak.”
• Someone says “toaster.”
• Whenever one of the women in the cast gives you a boner.
• Eat a piece of cake for every fat Apollo scene.
  

  “Where’s the frakking toaster? I want a bagel.”

While watching Game of Thrones, drink when:

• Boobies.
• Butts.
• Murder.
• Someone says “bastard.”
• You have to suppress the urge to strangle all the people around you spouting ridiculous theories because they haven’t read the book and you’re already pretty drunk.

Reading’s not that hard, you goddamn hillbillies!

While watching Archer, drink when:

• Someone dies.
• Someone has a drink.
• Have you ever seen that show? Believe me, that’ll be enough.

There’s a lot of this. It’s hilarious. Like alcoholism always is!

While you’re watching Dr. Who, drink when:

• I have no idea.

…the fuck?

While you’re watching Parks & Recreation, drink when:

• Someone says “Pawnee.”
• Someone mentions a local business or restaurant by name.
• Gerry/Gary/Larry/Terry fucks up.
• Tom says something that makes you laugh, but you still kind of want to slap him a little.
• Drink scotch when Ron drinks scotch.

True champions should also eat whatever Ron’s eating on-screen.

While you’re watching Mystery Science Theater 3000, drink when:

• They make a pop culture reference you get.
• They make a pop culture reference you don’t get.
• Someone says “Satellite of Love.”
• “Kenny!” (Gamera episodes only)

“KENNY!”

While you’re watching Glee:

• Load a single bullet into a revolver and spin the cylinder. Every time somebody breaks out into song, put the barrel in your mouth and pull the trigger. You win when there’s nobody left that watches the show. Or at least the rest of us win.

“All right, they’ve done five songs so far…”

There you go. Once again, I have saved your weekend, improved your life, and impregnated your significant other. You are continuously welcome. And when you’re buying beer to play these games, remember the first rule of the GI Joe Drinking Game. Take it, Gung-Ho:

You tell ’em, gunny.