Things that could improve with air travel: Musings on my flight from NYC to SEA.
I have 5 and a half hours to waste; what else could I do with my time but complain?
Carry-ons versus Carrying Weight
I understand that there is a limited amount of under-the-seat and overhead space on an airplane. I also understand that, barring someone just losing my bag for shits and giggles, my bag is essentially just sat beneath me when it gets checked. However, if the person sitting next to me is spilling over into my seat, then I have a theoretical problem with this concept. Have you seen those structures around the airport that allow you to measure your carry-on to make sure that it’s small enough to fit in the overhead compartment? Well, where’s the structure that measures someone’s ass to make sure they fit in the seat? Simply put, if they can’t, they can pay for two seats. If I have to pay to check a bag because it’s too large, then a passenger can pay for an extra seat to fit their body if it is too large for one seat. I know it sounds callous, and I don’t have a problem with a person either wanting to or by some unfortunate circumstances ending up overweight, but because I don’t have a problem with it, it also shouldn’t be my problem. Get yo’ ass outta my seat!
Inspired by Seinfeld’s famous adage: “And what’s the deal with airplane food?” Well, it’s notoriously gross/stale/most likely not food. I remember, back in my day, when the food – albeit food coloring and artificial flavoring soaked into cardboard – was at least FREE. Now you have to pay on any national flight for food. My issue is not that the food should be free. My issue is: why are you still feeding us?! I pay for you to get me to my destination, with my bags in tow, and safely. Am I wasting part of my already egregiously expensive ticket on food that gets wasted and thrown away because no one buys it? If that’s the case, just replace it with something worthwhile. Give the fatass next to me an apple or something, not a sloppy joe and a package of potato chips. Christ on a bike.
In Flight Entertainment
Where’d my TV go?! In flight entertainment has resorted to me bringing my own material to read or hopefully just napping the entire time so that the flight goes by faster. Now, some planes do have Wi-Fi – the one I am currently on does. But, here’s a shocker, you have to pay! Please stop asking me for more money every five minutes after I’ve already spent hundreds on a ticket to sit in a tuna can on cloth-covered boxes for six hours while my ass goes numb. Do I want to pay for a movie? No, motherfucker, give me a free damn movie! And, please, spare me the über PG shit and give me something…wait for it…ENTERTAINING. Do I, instead, want to watch 20 episodes of some random TLC show in lieu of that? Yes, please, make me want to kill myself more.
Airlines are notoriously economic disasters. Airlines do not tend to stay in business long because the money it costs to staff, fly, and cater to those flying usually can’t keep up with the cost of inflation and gasoline. HOWEVER, this is not an invitation to abuse my need to get across the country in less time than it would take me on the Oregon Trail. I was under the impression that, having purchased a ticket, it would include a seat so that I could actually travel on the plane. My ticket did not include a seat (what bullshit is this, American Airlines?). I told the flight attendant I would happily stand the entire time, as I had evidently wrongfully assumed that my ticket would allow me to actually sit whilst I traveled. She said she wished it were otherwise (she didn’t), but that the ticket did not guarantee me a seat (it should have). This might top the list of the most ridiculous shit I have ever heard.
In short, fuck you, American Airlines. And from what I’ve heard from friends about other airlines, fuck you all, too! I know we need you to get around, but dammit, stop making it so damn painful!
But, here at BroCast, we cannot merely be complainers, but must also be problem solvers. So, here, in short, are my suggestions for what air travel should look like:
How to get you where you’re going with class. And booze.
- Will we provide you a seat with your ticket? Damn straight we will! And you won’t have to find out at the airport that you don’t have a seat. You’ll be able to pick your seat without extra charge. Because all of the seats will have ample leg room, you won’t need to pay extra to actually be able to feel your legs when you stand up.
- Want to watch a movie? Sure! Each seat has a screen and a selection of movies. You know what, for my BroCast team, we might even include porn. Why not, travel should be pleasant, for fuck sake.
- Are you fat? Well, fuck you, buy two seats! We’ll discount the 2nd one if you’re nice. But if you order food, the flight attendants reserve the right to punch you in your puffy face.
- No hidden fees. Why? Because, at Kitty Airlines, we’re not assholes.
- And, for our good friend Paul who hates to fly, free Xanax for all flyers! Why not, shit’s cheap anyway.
Fuck, we’re gonna go out of business really quickly with all of these promises…. Anyone know of any rich benefactors? Kitty is taking names.
In any case, safe travels, BroCast readership. This is Kitty, signing out.