Before I begin today, I just want to mention the “What the Fuck?” news story of the day, which I came across while trying to figure out what to write about. I couldn’t think of enough things to write about it to make a full post, but I want you all to suffer the same “what the fuck” moment that I did. Andre Johnson (aka Christ Bearer), a rapper and associate of the Wu-Tang Clan (look it up, mom and dad!) cut of his penis and jumped off a balcony. And survived.

File Photo.

So…what the fuck? I’d do a pithier intro, but I’m really having trouble getting past Christ Bearer no longer bearing his Little Christ. Yeesh. Anyway, here are some TV shows that you should watch on Netflix that you probably haven’t seen. Because you are terrible. And these will make you less terrible. I shall briefly explain why. Engage!

A Bit of Fry and Laurie – Two of Britain’s finest character actors make with the funny stuff in a variety of hilarious sketches. Think the better years of SNL combined with all the things that make English people amusing. Like their wacky accents and deep grasp on their own history and politics beyond what most fat, stupid Americans on television have.

Like you’ve never wanted to punch Dr. House.

• Fry: +7
• Laurie: +7
• Later season when they started bringing on guests who weren’t as funny: -1
• Musical Numbers: +5
• Recurring People on the Street: Well, I wouldn’t suck it!

Final Score: 18

Blackadder – The Brits bust out the chuckles again with the misadventurous members of the titular family during different periods in history. Smart, witty, funny accents, lots of amusing deaths, nerdy references etc. Plus it has the aforementioned Fry and Laurie regularly featured, and those wackadoos crack me up.

…Or Mister Bean.

• Seasons 1-3: +5
• Season 4: +8
• Fry and Laurie: Always good to have
• Atkinson and Robinson: +6
• Captain Blackadder: is the Flanders Pigeon MURDERER!

Final Score: 19

Burn Notice – Okay, so the individual episode plots are decent enough, the main guy is okay, and the “hot” girl is really not all that attractive (way too skinny, kind of a fish face) as well as being a crappy actress. The real reason to watch this can be rather easily summed up: Bruce Fucking Campbell.

Like you don’t want to go around solving espionage related mysteries with this guy.

• Jeffrey Donovan: Meh
• Gabrielle Anwar: -1
• Sharon Gless: +4
• Bruce Fucking Campbell: +10
• Female Guest Stars: Are always way hotter than the female lead

Final Score: 14

Keeping Up Appearances – A show introduced to me by former-ish staff writer Lee Powers, as it was the only one that played on the TV set in the cave he lived in while raised by wolves from age 8 to 25. Yet another display of British wackiness in the events surrounding a stuffy, middle-aged, middle class woman trying oh so hard to be prim and proper. She’s really a terrible person, but it’s okay to laugh because she talks all silly.

Ha! It’s funny because she’s hurt.

• Mrs. Bucket: It’s pronounced “bouquet”
• Goofiness: +8
• Gag Repetitiveness: -1
• Offscreen Antics of Rarely/Never Seen Characters: +4
• Silly Poor People: +5

Final Score: 16

Psych – This show ended a few weeks ago, and while the recent episodes only come up on Hulu after 30 days and Netflix just has the first 6 seasons, it’s definitely one worth getting started. A fake psychic detective and his best friend solve crimes. And they are hilarious.

And they fist bump. A lot. Those goofballs.

• Wacky Best Pals Dynamic: +7
• Best Gus Alias: Gee Buttersnaps
• Supporting Cast: +6
• Guest Stars: +5
• Suck it: No, you suck it!

Final Score: 18

The Venture Bros – A brilliant spoof of everything that you (if you were in any way cool) held dear as a youngster. Superheroes, supervillains, Johnny Quest, GI Joe, Scooby Doo, spy movies, action movies, monsters, David Bowie, etc.

Oh Brock, what won’t you kill?

• Brock Samson: +9
• Every Other Character: +6
• Cultural References: I am the bat…
• Later Seasons: Not as laugh-out-loud funny, but still really clever and entertaining
• Recurring H. Jon Benjamin Cameos: +2

Final Score: 17

There, now you have some wonderful new shows to take your mind of the first thing I talked about. Shudder. So go, enjoy. And if you’re brain-damaged enough to disagree with any of these recommendations or their numerical ratings, then I only have one thing to say/type/post to you:

This is also how I feel when I lose to Eric in Words With Friends.