I need some cheering up. I came off an awesome weekend in my beloved Las Vegas celebrating the impending doom of former-ish staff member P. D. Montgomery’s bachelorhood basking in the bro-tastic afterglow. Then some degenerate on the plane home got me sick. Some sort of travel bug with all kinds of phlegm, swollen glands, sore throat, hacking cough and a swell little fever to boot. Luckily it mostly cleared up enough for me to work a twelve-hour day today, though I am currently staring down the two NyQuil tablets I will be gleefully ingesting as soon as I finish writing.

We meet again, old friend.

But there’s a way bigger reason I’m bummed out, and you can probably guess what it is. Unless you’re even dumber than I thought. And since I try very hard to be hilarious at all times, I don’t want to go into the details of the terrible tragedy that struck Fort Hood this week. Besides, I’ll probably be all drunk and angry about it in this week’s episode, so you can get my drunken, in-depth (in-drunkth?) take on the matter then. So for today, I’m just going to make a list of things that make me happy. And I hope they make you happy too, you idiot (If you think this is a cheap copout, then why the fuck do Buzzfeed and Cracked get so many viewers? This is basically all they do).

An alternate spelling, but still an apt description of you.

So, here’s what makes me happy:

• Any marathons of House or Law & Order: SVU on television. Or Netflix. Or in my imagination!
• Boobs.
• This oft used gif I dearly love:
  

  Never gets old. EVER.

• BBQ sauce.
• Shirts with snaps so I can rip them off dramatically when drunk in public.
• Bioshock Infinite: Burial at Sea Episode 2. Play it, would you kindly?
  

  “Who is Atlas?” indeed.

• Naked music time.
• Approximately 75% of all Harrison Ford movies.
• Grifball. Does anybody out there remember grifball? Or know what the hell I’m talking about?
  

  “Code word: dirtbag!”

• Boobs.
• The fact that Catch-22 can still make me laugh and think, even after being my favoritest books for all these years.
• Karaoke.
  

  I’m so awesome.

• Stephen Fry cameos.
• The increasing number of states legalizing gay marriage.
• GI Joe drinking game. Especially if preceded by/preceding rigorous sex.
  

  These two get it.

• Vaginas.
• My guitars (Elena and Kim) and my banjo (Marian).
• The lingering hope that The Walking Dead might be good again someday. Maybe. Someday…
  

  …Maybe…

• That time Eric and I were with another friend of mine who accidentally bought crack.
• Cold beer in a hot shower.
• Old BBC comedies.
  

  “Now, Richard…”

• Boobs in a hot shower.
• Dr. Zoidberg.
• Also, my absolute favorite line from the Comedy Central seasons of Futurama:
  

  Oh that Orange Joe.

• Swiss cheese.
• Nobody can bug me to watch How I Met Your Mother anymore.
• Fred Phelps is still dead.
  

  I have a wooden stake ready, though. Just in case.

• Finishing a big dump right as I win a game of Pocket Tanks on my iPhone.
• My American flag pillow.
• Boobs. Goddamn I love boobs!
  

  Yes please.

• Trying to think of a good name for the sailboat I hope to own someday.
• Sending out a heartfelt Semper Fi to my brethren at Fort Hood. My thoughts are with you all.
• Putting squirrels down my pants for the purposes of gambling.
  

  Somewhere, somebody wonderful gets this immediately.

Boom, cheered up. Now, to simply take these two little pills and carefully make my woozy way to my comfy bed where I can fall asleep as gently as aaaaaaaklhkljlkjkdfhkdjhgdrthiljtmnbhfghklhmhklg;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;