Ever experience the feeling of wanting to do something, but also not really feeling like doing anything? Like, you could really get down and funky with going out to see a movie or a play or performance art piece. Except there are no good movies in theaters right now, the theater is expensive, and no one in the history of always has ever actually wanted to see a performance art piece. Ever. No, seriously, stop lying. Look at me. Look at ME! Ever.

…the fuck is this?

So, what does one do in that situation, when your boredom is only outweighed by your desire to no do anything? Yes yes, masturbation and all the other usual anti-boredom activities one can do. But after that, after all those have been done? Lucky for you, I’m more than smart enough to come up with a great list of ideas for unconventional activities you can do from the comfort of your very own hovel. Let’s do this.

Do you even get internet in there?

• Read everything on this blog until you become awesome.
• Mix all the alcohol in your hovel together and see how much of it you can drink before vomiting/dying/going blind/having sex with a fat person.
• Rewatch every episode of Futurama and write down all of your favorite Morbo quotes.
  

  “Windmills do not work that way! Goodnight!”

• Read all the Song of Fire and Ice books (or Game of Thrones, as you illiterate mooks probably call it) so you can finally stop annoying the shit out of all of us who’ve already read them by asking about future spoilers, then demanding that we don’t spoil anything. Leave me the hell alone, dammit!
• Take a bath in something other than water.
• Take a bath in something other than liquid.
  

  I could go for a soak in that.

• Call Netflix over and over until somebody gives you a reasonable explanation for why they have A Fistful of Dollars and The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly available, but not For a Few Dollars More. What the hell, right?
• And why don’t they have the sixth Star Trek movie? Huh? Answer me, you sumbitches!
• Solve something. Puzzle, murder, the Yang-Mills existence and mass gap, whatever.
  

  There you go. Get cracking.

• Send me money.
• Send Eric slightly less money.
• Learn to play the Parks and Recreation theme song on an amusingly unconventional instrument, like the bagpipes or a zither. And if you so much as think ukulele, I swear I’ll hurt you. Bad. In your face parts.
  

  GAH! You’re not cool and you never were!

• Alchemy.
• Have you played all three Bioshock games yet? I told you to do that back in November. Get cracking.
• Call up the Westboro Baptist Church and sing “Ding-Dong! The Witch is Dead” in its entirety. All night.
  

  “Which old witch? The Wicked Witch!”

• Watch your favorite movie on mute and try to recite the entire script aloud as it goes.
• Record that last thing and send it to me. I bet you look stupid, and I shall laugh. Oh, how I shall laugh.
• Make a flip book. Seriously, when do you think was the last time anybody actually made one of those? Prohibition?
  

  This one, maybe?

• Clean your carpet. It’s fucking gross. Is that a chili stain? Blech.
• Play the rest of the terrible video games Eric likes and summarize why they suck for me so I don’t have to play them.
• Rig up a complicated system of pipes to allow you to pee in your toilet from the comfort of your couch and/or bed.
  

  Like on the ISS, but less heroic.

• Write a script for a World War Z movie that’s actually based on the book World War Z. I’d very much like to see that.
• Disprove something.
• Come up with a design for the new flag of New Zealand.
  

  NERD JOKE!

• Do any or all of the above, but without pants.
• Have you finished reading everything on this blog yet? Man, you are so not awesome.
• Take a bath in something other than a bathtub.

I could go for a soak in oh fuck it.

You having fun yet? No? Well then just suck it the fuck up until the next Muppet movie comes out. Sheesh. Have a good one!