Late this past Tuesday evening I had a rather interesting conversation with my dear cohost as I stood in the doorway of his apartment/cave near Central Park. And by “interesting,” I of course mean “mind-bendingly stupid.” A passel (which is the correct term for a group of Bros) of us had just seen The Lego Movie, which was awesome and hilarious and if you think otherwise you’re dead inside and nobody will ever love you.
As I was about to head home after a post-movie glass of bourbon/viewing of the latest episode of Archer, Eric stopped me and said to me, he said, “You better not do a review of The Lego Movie for your post this week.”
To which I diplomatically replied, “Fuck you. I wasn’t going to anyway. Are you planning on reviewing it?”
“No. Maybe. No.”
“Then why do you care?”
“I just don’t want you to do it,” then he giggled and closed the door/ragged shower curtain glued above the cave opening. Such an asshole.
As I said, I wasn’t planning on doing a review. I know, my reviews are awesome, but you’ll just have to suck it up. Because seeing such a wonderful film based on one of my absolute favorite things from childhood got the ol’ brainy-thinker a-twirling about what other beloved parts of growing up need a reboot on the silver screen. So here’s what I propose: you all read these bajillion dollar movie ideas, find somebody who can produce them, and let’s get rich enough to each have a boat that can turn into a helicopter filled with busty women (or dudes with big dongs, if that’s your thing, all good).
Nerf Guns – The year is 2536. War has truly become a game, where bullets have been replaced with orange darts; lead with yellow foam. Yes, even within a world of peace, mankind cannot escape conflict, however benign. Now, the great Western Alliance has declared war on the Eurasian Empire and there will be many years of poked eyes and lightly grazed testicles ahead. Unless, of course, Nerf Commando Kurt Strongbody and his ragtag team of mercenaries can find a way to stop it all before it begins…with The Emperor himself. Next summer Karl Urban, Terry Crews, and Ken Watanabe star in The Devil’s Suction Cup. Rated R.
GI Joe – When the first of the Channing Tatum atrocities came out and I frothed with rage, a dear friend (who hasn’t posted in months, so fuck him) scoffed and told me I was only being critical because I was a “purist.” In fact, I was being critical because that movie was FUCKING TERRIBLE IN EVERY IMAGINABLE WAY. I would have had no problem with a good GI Joe movie that went its own way from the old comics or the beloved, alcoholism-inducing, cheesy cartoon. As I’ve written about before, I’m not the type to demand slavish devotion to source material. I liked World War Z, for example, which had absolutely nothing in common with the book it was based on.
So why doesn’t somebody try to make a decent GI Joe movie and wipe away the sins of the aforementioned craptacular one and its sequel that nobody saw (for good reason)? And why not base it off the original comics, pray tell? Those things were great. Did you know Cobra Commander was a used car salesman who went nuts when his brother died in a car crash? Or that Snake Eyes lost his voice and burned his face off saving Scarlet from a helicopter crash? No, you didn’t. Because those are interesting plot points that would make for strong character development in a movie also easily filled with thrilling action. And all the world got was a pile of shit and a Wayans brother.
Redwall – Okay, so there’s gotta be somebody else reading this who knows these books. They were awesome. They combined the regular childhood fiction themes of adorable, anthropomorphized woodland critters, family, friendship, and adventure with brutal medieval battles, slavery, child abduction, and all sorts of other Game of Thrones-y shit (no freaky sex shit though, sorry pervs). Yeah, the BBC did an animated TV show of it like fifteen years ago, but we’re due for an update. The world needs more cartoon mice learning to help others. So that they can build a ballista to kill the leader of a horde of murderous rats besieging Redwall Abbey.
Wolfenstein – No true Bro should so be called without having played this classic computer game at least once. For those poor souls unfamiliar, I’ll give you the gist: Nazis, giant castle, prison escape, evil scientists, three-armed mutants, flamethrower, secret passages, giant Hitler with gattling gun arms, rocket launcher, America is fucking awesome. Yeah, that could all add up to being as shitty as any other movie based on a classic first person shooter. But, if done right, it could be one of the best movies ever. Forever. Always. The end.
Risk – The world is at war, ravaged by brightly colored hordes battling it out across every land and sea. But now, after so many years, the Blue Army has conquered so much. Very little stands in the way of them doing what no one thought possible: taking over the world. Even all the green-colored territories. Now, the Blues set their sights on the purple territories of Australia and the Eastern Pacific Islands. As their troops begin to build up in Siam for the invasion of Papua New Guinea, Captain Rock Toughkill (Daniel Craig) of the Black Artillery can only look across the calm waters and wonder: When the hammer will fall? And will he ever see the woman he loves again? And how much will he have to…RISK?With Benedict Cumberbund as Blue General Guy Mostevilest and Hayley Atwell as Lady Plotpoint Hothooters. Rated R.
Scrabble – Use all your letters…or the terrorist win. Starring Kiefer Sutherland.
Those are some pretty awesome ideas, right? Of course they are, so shut up! Now let’s all get rich and famous. Or, if you’re too damn lazy, go out and see The Lego Movie, it’s delightful. Or read my latest bitchin’ article for those fine folks over at My Entertainment World. Or go play in a wheat thresher. I’ve already stopped caring.