I like to review things. Telling the fine people (well, people…barely) of the internet about things I love makes me all warm and tingly up in my business. And ragging on crap that I hate makes me feel like a big man, because I’m a bully and you’re a big doody-face poop-guy. So burn on you.

Now gimme your lunch money, dweeb!

Hell, I even like to review things I’ve never even seen, because I’m just extra special awesome. As all my fan(s) surely recall, I did a rousing roundup of what the Great Robo-Wizard Netflix had recommended for me to enjoy. Some stuff I’d seen, some I ended up seeing, and some just seemed like they’d be fucking awful (Lost, for example). But I think I’m due for another slew of speculative wisecracks. And this time, I’m going after Netflix’s mildly annoying younger brother: Hulu.

You and your commercials, and your 30 day waiting period before new episodes of Psych become available. Bah!

All right, you bright green sonofagun, what do you think I should be watching in my underpants?

Hulu’s Top 10 Recommendations For Me

CSI: Miami – Hey, if I wanted to spend an hour watching an overdramatic, redheaded weirdo, I’d Skype my ex-girlfriend.

And this one doesn’t look as good naked. Probably.

Daria – Little late for me to start caring about this show, isn’t it? I mean, I remember seeing episodes of if in my younger days, but don’t remember caring all that much. Probably not a good sign.

Castle – Yes, yes, Nathan Fillion is awesome. But I know better than to automatically give a shit about something just because someone I love is in the cast. Like my fantasy-future-ex-wife’s latest overrated piece of shit.

You deserve better, Jennifer my dear.

Rookie Blue – Canada? Yeah, no. I’m good.

The Morning After – So it’s a show reviewing other shows that aired the previous evening? If it’s a show I like, I’ll watch the actual episode. If I don’t watch the show, why in the blue flipping fuck would I even care? This entire concept seems as pointless as the state of Delaware.

Bones – I can’t think of a single thing to write that isn’t a pun about sex and/or erections. So let’s go with that: Penis. That is all.

*Giggle*

Nikita – Pretty ladies killing each other seems to be the gist of this show. And I would just hate to see that. Pretty ladies are awesome.

Welcome to the Family –  Ha, look! The characters are all grabbing each other in a goofy-yet angry way! How jocular! I bet it’s hilarious! Ha ha ha ha HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAoh I think I just had a stroke.

With a poster this wacky, it’s gotta be hilarious and original! In a related story, I was kicked I the head by a mule!

Chapelle’s Show – Just like everyone else who was under the age of forty and older than ten between 2003 and 2006, I’ve already seen every episode of this show. Fond memories, but why re-watch it when I could just go to any bar and hang out by the one guy way older and douchier than everyone else until he inevitably quotes one of the sketches?

The Following – Every bus that drives by with a giant, creepy ad of Kevin Bacon staring at me adds another minute to my nightmares. And, thanks to that time I saw GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra, they’re already long enough.

*Opposite of giggling*

That’ll do, pig. That’ll do. I hope you enjoyed my trash talking. I know I did. I’d like to take another crack at Netflix, but now that Eric is watching stuff on my account, it’s recommending all sorts of crazy stuff. Like, freaky crazy. Weird stuff. Butt stuff. And worse.

How did THIS wind up in my Top Picks, Eric? Huh? You answer me right fucking now, you monster!