I like to review things. Telling the fine people (well, people…barely) of the internet about things I love makes me all warm and tingly up in my business. And ragging on crap that I hate makes me feel like a big man, because I’m a bully and you’re a big doody-face poop-guy. So burn on you.
Hell, I even like to review things I’ve never even seen, because I’m just extra special awesome. As all my fan(s) surely recall, I did a rousing roundup of what the Great Robo-Wizard Netflix had recommended for me to enjoy. Some stuff I’d seen, some I ended up seeing, and some just seemed like they’d be fucking awful (Lost, for example). But I think I’m due for another slew of speculative wisecracks. And this time, I’m going after Netflix’s mildly annoying younger brother: Hulu.
All right, you bright green sonofagun, what do you think I should be watching in my underpants?
Hulu’s Top 10 Recommendations For Me
CSI: Miami – Hey, if I wanted to spend an hour watching an overdramatic, redheaded weirdo, I’d Skype my ex-girlfriend.
Daria – Little late for me to start caring about this show, isn’t it? I mean, I remember seeing episodes of if in my younger days, but don’t remember caring all that much. Probably not a good sign.
Castle – Yes, yes, Nathan Fillion is awesome. But I know better than to automatically give a shit about something just because someone I love is in the cast. Like my fantasy-future-ex-wife’s latest overrated piece of shit.
Rookie Blue – Canada? Yeah, no. I’m good.
The Morning After – So it’s a show reviewing other shows that aired the previous evening? If it’s a show I like, I’ll watch the actual episode. If I don’t watch the show, why in the blue flipping fuck would I even care? This entire concept seems as pointless as the state of Delaware.
Bones – I can’t think of a single thing to write that isn’t a pun about sex and/or erections. So let’s go with that: Penis. That is all.
Nikita – Pretty ladies killing each other seems to be the gist of this show. And I would just hate to see that. Pretty ladies are awesome.
Welcome to the Family – Ha, look! The characters are all grabbing each other in a goofy-yet angry way! How jocular! I bet it’s hilarious! Ha ha ha ha HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAoh I think I just had a stroke.
Chapelle’s Show – Just like everyone else who was under the age of forty and older than ten between 2003 and 2006, I’ve already seen every episode of this show. Fond memories, but why re-watch it when I could just go to any bar and hang out by the one guy way older and douchier than everyone else until he inevitably quotes one of the sketches?
The Following – Every bus that drives by with a giant, creepy ad of Kevin Bacon staring at me adds another minute to my nightmares. And, thanks to that time I saw GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra, they’re already long enough.
That’ll do, pig. That’ll do. I hope you enjoyed my trash talking. I know I did. I’d like to take another crack at Netflix, but now that Eric is watching stuff on my account, it’s recommending all sorts of crazy stuff. Like, freaky crazy. Weird stuff. Butt stuff. And worse.
….I thought it was on there because you like Grey’s Anatomy?
Blame me for Oylmpus Has Fallen, Hansel & Gretel and the Boy in the Striped Pajamas, but don’t you blame me for these doctor shows you Scrubs & House Marathoner.
Don’t you dare pin your perversions on Dr. House!