Okay, so I haven’t seen all of this year’s Oscar contenders for Best Motion Picture, but then again I didn’t last year. Or the year before that. Or any year, honestly. Except 1958, but that’s only because of the time machine I finally complete twelve years from now. I know what you’re thinking and yes, I did engage in a series of wacky hijinks to ensure that my going back to the past did not prevent Bridge on the River Kwai from winning the award. No, my time machine was not/will not be a DeLorean. Quit fucking asking.

It will be/was/will have had been a 1971 Datsun 510.

Since the purpose of this blog is to berate you idiots into not being idiots, I had planned on doing more of my hilarious and 100% accurate film reviews to get you riled up for this year’s Academy Awards, as well as let you know how shitty most of the nominees are. I had hoped to see all of this year’s nominees first, but I can’t think of anything else worth writing about today because I keep seeing this one commercial on Hulu that makes me utterly furious. Try and guess which one!

If you guessed the ads for this movie, you’re pretty close! Because it looks fucking terrible, and the commercials are mind-warpingly painful to watch. But still, not the worst.

So I’m going to crank out the five out of nine I actually have seen for today’s post and maybe do the others whenever the hell I feel like it.

American Hustle – Ah yes, the latest chapter in David O. Russell’s films about how it’s totally cool and awesome to be a crazy asshole as long as you’re attractive. The chorus of voices questioning why the hell people actually like this film seems to be growing everyday, so I won’t harp on it too much. But if I wanted to watch people in ugly retro clothes yell at each other for two hours, I could just go to Williamsburg.

Jackasses in the 1970’s or hipsters? Either way, everyone loses.

• Miscast Jennifer Lawrence: -2
• Inexplicably Crazy Bradley Cooper: – 2
• Amy Adams’ Cleavage: Is all right, I guess.
• Jeremy Renner: -5
• Christian Bale: +1
• Louis C. K. : +2
• Plot/Script/Direction/Point/Character Development: Yeah fucking right.

Final Score: -6. Deal with it.

Captain Phillips – Easily the best pirate film to come out since 2003. And with this one there’s little chance of a series of increasingly disappointing sequels to follow. Though it could happen.

“If we want to find the magical amulet and defeat the skeleton army, we’ll have to work together!”

• Cast: +7
• Tension Despite Already Knowing What Happened: +5
• Tom Hanks: Got diabetes from this film.
• Tom Hanks’ Accent: Made me chuckle.
• Lack of Swashbuckling: -2
• Multiple Pirates Shot in the Face: +3
• The Real Captain Phillips: Is allegedly a real douchebag.

Final Score: 15 (Men on a dead man’s chest/Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!)

Dallas Buyers Club – Everything you’ve heard about this movie is absolutely true. Matthew McConaughey is great as a douchier, slowly dying version of himself and Jared Leto is amazing as a transgender woman. They’re both horrifically skinny as well. Like, disgusting skinny. Freaked me out, man.

Eat something, you two!

• McConaughey and Leto: +7
• Jennifer Garner: Was there.
• Hackneyed, Albeit Accurate, “Big Pharma is Bad” Plotline: -1
• Incredibly Touching Funny Moments to Underscore Overall Tragedy: +5
• Rest of the Script: +2
• AIDS: Sucks.
• Texas: Ditto.

Final Score: 14

Gravity – I reviewed this already. Stop being so fucking lazy.

12 Years a Slave – This one too. Still my pick for Best Picture, as it was already awarded by another prestigious organization. So good. Such a bummer, though. White people are terrible. Especially Michael Fassbender.

Seen here in the scene where he collects alien goo to poison his slaves with. For some reason.

Those are all the ones I’ve seen so far, so keep your eyes peeled for when I do a roundup of the remaining four nominees: Joaquin Phoenix Bangs a Smartphone, Nuns Can be Bitches, Leonardo DiCaprio Does Coke and Yells For Three Hours, and Nebraska (the one of those four I actually want to see). Unless I never get around to them, in which case you’re on your own. Because the world is harsh and unforgiving. Especially for idiots.

Oh, and this was the commercial I was talking about:

Gah! Every time I hear the announcer say “pet parents” I feel like I’m having a stroke. PETS AREN’T THE SAME AS KIDS, YOU SAD, SAD PEOPLE! That does it, I need to finish my time machine and make sure that ad never gets made. Anybody know where I can get a 1971 Datsun 510?