Spoil Yourself

In honor of the great Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., I decided to spend the vast majority of my recent three-day weekend in a manner that would have made him proud: by finally getting caught up on Dexter. Okay, so maybe not proud. More disappointed, or at best apathetic. It’s a show about bloody murder with good bouts of nudity throughout, not really in the good Reverend’s bailiwick. Not to mention the only main African-American character was a mean-mugging detective who swore like a motherfucker and got exploded to death at the end of the second season. I thought he was an awesome dude, but not really the kind of person Dr. King would have found to his liking.

There's at least a 60% chance that Sgt. Doakes just said or is about to say "motherfucker" in any screenshot you find of him.

There’s at least an 80% chance that Sgt. Doakes just said or is about to say “fuck” in any screenshot you find of him.

Still, I was long overdue to finally get down to business and finish up the show, having fallen behind after the fourth season’s bloody and tragic conclusion. So my Netflix robot and I, having been working through it for a few weeks, finally got all the way to the series finale by the end of the holiday weekend. And I was quite pleased. Yes, the earlier seasons were better (as is frequently lamented by everyone about every television show ever for always and all time and I never get tired of hearing it), but I though it held up nicely until the end. Even the final scene, which has polarized many viewers, didn’t grate against me too badly (though I do agree that it would have made a much better conclusion to the show without it).

It should have just wrapped up right here, with Dexter speeding off in his boat to battle Poseidon, mighty and vengeful god of the seas.

It should have just wrapped up right here, with Dexter speeding off in his boat to battle Poseidon, mighty and vengeful god of the seas.

Granted, my lack of utter indignation over the last scene expressed by many others may be partly due to some unnamed numbnuts spoiling a piece of it for me. Not enough to truly ruin the ending of the show, but enough that the final moments didn’t come out of nowhere. Still, I was a little miffed, and I long ago discovered that the best way to get over being annoyed is to make others suffer as I have. I do the same thing when I have gastrointestinal issues. In that light, I’m going to use my post today to spoil a whole bunch of famous movies, TV shows, and Kindle downloads (or “books” as the ancients used to call them).

Archeologists theorize this is what their mighty temples of learning may have looked like.

Archeologists theorize this is what their mighty temples of learning may have looked like.

Obviously you could just not read ahead and keep the mystery of life alive in your tiny brain, but come on, what else do you have worth doing today? I’ll tell you what: nothing. There, I spoiled that for you. Might as well get on with the rest of them:

Dexter – Dexter was a serial killer the whole time.

Seven – Kevin Spacey is Keyser Soze.

Avatar – The fairies trap Hexxus in a magical tree once more, saving the rainforest from destruction by the humans. Or maybe that was FernGully.

No, wait...was it Dances With Wolves?

No, wait…was it Dances With Wolves? Ah, who gives a shit.

The Sixth Sense – M. Night Shyamalan is a terrible filmmaker who fooled us all that one time.

Star Wars – C-3PO accidentally discovers Luke and Leia’s incestuous relationship, so Luke pushes him out the window of one of the towers of Winterfell.

C-3PO survived, but would have to be carried on the back of a large, developmentally disabled creature to get around.

C-3PO survives, but has to be carried on the back of a large, hairy, developmentally disabled creature to get around from then on.

24 – Kiefer Sutherland is Canadian.

Harry Potter – No idea, but Eric and P. D. Montgomery sure as shit got all up in arms over it.

Teen Wolf – The teen is a wolf.

I did not see that one coming.

I did not see that one coming.

Dallas – JR was shot by Keyser Soze.

The Hunger Games – Katniss, torn between her feelings for Gale and Peeta, ultimately chooses to keep appearing in repetitive and boring David O. Russell films that all seem to consist of two hours of talented people dressed weird while loudly cursing at each other for no real reason.

"No, asshole, may the fucking odds be ever in YOUR fucking favor, you motherfucker!"

“No, asshole, may the fucking odds be ever in YOUR fucking favor, you bastard!”

Game of Thrones – George R. R. Martin eats twenty-eight chili dogs in one sitting and his heart explodes before finishing the next book.

Memento – Don’t care. Because, as I’ve already discussed, I can’t watch anything with Guy Pierce playing a tough guy without thinking of him doing this:

Fight Club – All of your friends who loved this movie in high school are fucking morons.

Mystic River – Sean Penn is an asshole.

Breaking Bad – Jessie Pinkman uses his new lease on life to attend Coolidge College and become a regular party companion of lovable gadabout Van Wilder.

Seen here at a cross-dressing party for the chemistry department.

Seen here at a cross-dressing party for the chemistry department.

V for Vendetta – You still want to have hot, nasty sex with Nathalie Portman, even if she’s bald.

Lost – Everybody who never started this show is much better off than the people who annoyed the shit out of them to watch it for the two years it wasn’t terrible.

You all feel pretty stupid now, don't you?

You all feel pretty stupid now, don’t you?

Saw – The creepy puppet on the tricycle is Keyser Soze.

Titanic – Kate Winslet shows them titties!

The Music Man – In an oft forgotten post-credits scene Marian dies in the flu epidemic of 1918, the same year young Tommy gets his legs blown off by German artillery at the Battle of Belleau Wood. Harold Hill then drinks himself to death.

And the little blond boy on the right grew up to be a notorious bootlegger who burned down an orphanage. That movie was dark.

And the little blond boy on the right grew up to be a notorious bootlegger who burned down an orphanage. That movie was crazy dark.

The Departed – Mark Wahlberg shoots Matt Damon in the head for properly pronouncing the letter “R.”

The Lord of the Rings – Saruman the White, leader of the Istari Wizards and Head of the White Council, is secretly Keyser Soze.

Her – Fucking an iPhone will electrocute your penis.

And it's definitely not covered under AppleCare

And it’s definitely not covered under AppleCare.

Psycho – You should know this. What the hell is wrong with you?

The Usual Suspects – Kevin Spacey wins the Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor. The statuette then reveals itself to be Keyser Soze.

They were never seen again.

They were never seen again.

That’s all the juicy spoilers I could think of for now. I’m sure I’ll remember some totally super-awesome ones that I should have included within five minutes of posting this, for which I will never forgive myself. Until I undoubtedly write another edition of this the next time some jackanape ruins something for me. But for now, be happy with the spoilers I’ve given. And don’t say I don’t spoil you! Ha ha!

Seriously though, shut the hell up.

About Paul

By reading this blog, you legally forfeit your right to cry, eat tofu, or watch movies where people kiss in the rain and sh*t!
This entry was posted in Famous People, General Ranting, Hatred, Lists, Movies, Nerd Stuff, Paul is Grumpy. Bookmark the permalink.

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