Many of you fans out there probably wonder where I, a respected drunken fake journalist, get my news from. The papers? The TV? Bing? Of course not, you silly bastard! You and your ideas. Nobody reads the papers, TV is for XBox and Ron Swanson, and Bing is for pornography. I use Google News like a grownup. It allows me access to a cornucopia of various news sources, from the raving lunacy of Fox News, to the laughable idiocy of CNN, to the Christian Science Monitor and their highly lauded and solid tradition of completely secular, factual reporting that nobody cares about because they’re published by a sect of Christianity that sounds like it was founded by Jenny McCarthy.

Such a thing is as crazy as, say, having a pope that preaches tolerance, modernization, and acceptance of homosexuals. The very idea! Wait…

Nevertheless, it’s those wackadoo nerds in California that I rely on to bring this all together and keep me abreast (tee-hee) of the goings on in the great big world. And it’s usually a total fucking bummer. Come on world, why you gotta bring me down? It’s not enough that I have to do this color-coded spreadsheet, but when I take a break to check the newsfeed you gotta get all this sadness up in my face? Uncool.

Way to make me frown, impending civil war in South Sudan.

But every now and then, a little nugget of joy or hilarity pops up to remind us that we have things to laugh about as we waddle through the shit. Hell, sometimes the stuff that happens out there in the world makes me downright laugh my ass off. And huzzah and hurrah, we had four good stories this week to keep 2014 going on an idiotically entertaining start. Like a good fart joke, or listening to my dad talk politics.

“Ain’t no durned way gov’ment gon’ make me gay marry no fellers!”

Death Wedgie – Brad Lee Davis, a 33-year-old from Oklahoma, was charged with murder today. Several days before Christmas, he and his stepfather, Denver St. Clair, got into a drunken brawl that ended with the latter of them unconscious. Being a mature adult in his thirties, Brad proceeded to pull the elastic band of Denver’s underpants up over his head in what is commonly known as an “atomic wedgie.” Mr. St Clair soon expired from asphyxiation. That’s right, he was strangled by his own underpants via wedgie.

This is why wedgies should only be carried out by trained medical professionals.

I know it’s tragic a human life was lost, but if this doesn’t make you laugh you’re probably dead, too. On the inside. From your underpants.

Dennis Rodman’s Personal Korean War – I truly hope, for your sake, that you have followed the rising amateur diplomatic career of this former NBA star/pro-wrestler/man who once claimed he was bisexual and marrying himself while wearing a wedding dress. It is like a human black hole where the absolute best and worst things about America are being compressed into a singularity. And his burgeoning friendship with North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un is the event horizon.

It’s like a Family Guy cutaway gag come to life.

The new high/low point of their ongoing Odd-Couple-crossed-with-Rush-Hour-3-plus-some-basketball-esque saga was Rodman’s drunken tirade during an interview from Pyongyang, where he is for Jong-un’s birthday and a basketball game, on Tuesday. He cursed out the interviewer and defended his best pal’s imprisonment of American Kenneth Bae and execution of his uncle Jang Song Thaek. In reference to the diminutive dictator he vehemently declared “I love my friend.”

Dawwwww.

Then on Wednesday he sang “Happy Birthday” for the guy’s 31st right before his team of American basketball players lost a game to the North Koreans. Let’s hope this hilarious saga in the midst of a terrible conflict goes on as long as M*A*S*H did.

ICP Suing FBI – The Insane Clown Posse, with assistance from the American Civil Liberties Union, is suing the FBI over having their fans labeled as a gang. The FBI is totally in the wrong here, but that’s not my point. My point is that rapping clowns are suing the government. If you’re not laughing already, I need you to look up the ICP on Wikipedia and do a Google Image search. Then you’ll understand why I’m looking forward to this unfolding.

These are the plaintiffs in a case about Constitutional Rights at their press conference. Do you see my point now?

This Text Message My Friend Jeff Sent Me (Verbatim) – Tuesday, 10:54 AM “We have matches in the bathroom to light the candle in there. While peeing I lit the match bc I like the smell. Then I decided to burn a single sheet of toilet paper, for kicks. While it was burning I accidentally lowered my right hand, holding the match, much too low, and with a sharp pain I realized I burnt the top of my penis.”

File Photo: Jeff

Best text ever. Thanks, buddy!

Ah, that’s some funny shit right there. Though if you want more of the “uplifting human bravery kind” of positivity out of your news and less of the “laughing at a hilarious death” sort, you should know about Aitazaz Hassan Bangash, the Pakistani teenager who, unarmed, went after a suicide bomber to keep him away from his high school. Badass kid. He got blown up, unfortunately, but still: total badass.

It’s like Malala Yousafzai’s story as directed by Michael Bay.

Have a good one, you silly bastards!

Oh, and here’s a special postscript/belated post from “dear” old Tommy Moon:

“Today was the baseball Hall Of Fame election committees day to get religion. No Roger Clemens, No Bonds, no Piazza. Come on guys the whole world was juicing. The 80s all of baseball was on coke. Every generation before was drunk. The writers think that these new guys are not deserving. This vote ain’t for POPE. It’s for best players in their era. So these guys were the best players in their era, the juice era. Give it up!! Bonds and Roger were fuckin great before they juiced. Yes they lasted longer at the top of their game but they were playing against some player also with fat fuckin necks. It’s BASEBALL. Come on lighten up and open the doors to players whose numbers are outstanding.  Much better than Congress. Eat me.”