I don’t make New Years resolutions. Ever. “How?” you might be asking, or possibly “why?” Unless, of course, you’re somehow very confused/still drunk, in which case you’re probably asking “Where?” or “Shall I put your call through to Manitoba-237, Mrs. Cumberdale?” Well be at ease, because you’re all idiots and I hate you. Just like I did in 2013. And will forever. The point is, I’m a friggin’ adult, damnit. If I want to change something about my life, I take a crack at it, regardless of the time of year or number of indictments I’m under. Maybe I’ll carry through with it and improve myself, maybe I’ll give up and just have a cheesesteak. Win-win.
However, I do understand that many people out there (people I find utterly insufferable) like to make some big, sweeping resolution to ring in the new year so they have something to be ashamed of for failing at long before they spend Valentines Day eating popcorn alone in their underpants. That’s what I plan for Valentine’s Day too, of course, but I prefer it that way.
Losing weight, finding love, getting a better job, and finally getting that 1933 Winged Liberty Head dime (worth about $2 today) surgically removed from your left ear are among the pretty standard pledges people make to themselves. But I would be remiss/bored if I didn’t try to inspire some of you fine folks out there to make your plans for 2014 just a bit more BroCastic(TM). So here are my suggestions for what you should resolve to do as we all inch closer to the heat death of the entire universe:
- Land on the moon. If China can do it in 2013, why the hell can’t you this year?
- Come up with a stupid name for a dance that people have been doing for decades anyway.
- Kill Justin Bieber.
- Build an immunity to some sort of snake venom. Cobra is a popular one, but why not mix it up and go with some species of sea snake?
- Steal Kim Jong-un’s identity and sign him up for the Libertarian Party.
- Get Chevy Chase to quit something. Shouldn’t be hard.
- Start a cult.
- Change the war in Syria from a depressing quagmire of bloodshed with a virulent and growing strain of Islamic Fundamentalism only making it worse into a country-wide laser tag match ending in a big BBQ (halal friendly, of course).
- End reality television.
- Fix Healthcare.gov (advanced).
- Find a beloved 1980’s action movie that hasn’t been remade and remake it, much to the howling rage of everyone at ComiCon/the internet.
- Regrow a toe.
- Find Bruce Lee’s gold.
- Hang loose, brah.
- Complete a centuries old genetic breeding program in order to produce the Kwisatz Haderach and allow the Bene Gesserit to rule the Galactic Empire.
- Write only nice, helpful comments on YouTube.
- Successfully invade Russia.
- Every time you meet someone who says they’d rather have grown up in a different period of history, slap them. If they specifically pick the 1960’s slap them much harder. And their parents, too.
- Pack a bug-out bag. Don’t ask why, just do it. You’ll know when it happens.
- Convince Bill Watterson to release Calvin & Hobbes in ebook form so I can have it on my Kindle. He lives in Chagrin Falls, Ohio. Get on it.
- Dinosaurs. That’s all.
- Take back mustaches from the hipsters. By blood, if need be.
- Bring me Jennifer Lawrence. I shouldn’t have to specify, but alive, you morons.
There, that’s all I have for you. Now go out there and be the best person you can be in aught-one-four. You’ll probably still be a pretty terrible person, but picking one or more of these might help. Or you could just get a cheesesteak. Happy New Year, boners!