And now, for some contributions from a man who needs no introduction, because he’d probably totally fuck it up.
“To Be or Not to Be” from Shakespeare’s Hamlet
Who, me? Oh, not who me. That is Sebastián. Weather? Tits noble, or undermine? To sulfur rieslings and agros of gout rages four tunes. Oar flake harms Aegean Sea of baubles end, buy Alpo, sing anthem. Tie-dye, toes leap, Thomas Moore.
John F. Kennedy’s Inaugural Address
And sew, life hello! Am hairy cans, ask gnaw twat York cunt tree Khan due four Jew; as quart Jews Khan due four your cunt tree.
Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream”
Aye, half ad ream. That, my four lit elk illed wren, will Monday live in any Sean. Where they will gnawed, be judged, buy the collar of Erskine but buy the continent of their char actor. Aye, half ad ream two day!
Winston Churchill’s “We Shall Fight on the Beaches”
Wish hell go on two, three bends. We shall bite in pants, we shall bite on theses, endocrines. We shall bite width growing corn defense and glow wing strengthen the heir. We shall deafen our island, but never the crust. Maybe. We shall bite on the bee chess, we shall bite on the handling rounds, we shall bite in W.C Fields and in three sheets, we shall bite in the bills; we shall, nay, verses render.
Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s First Inaugural Address
Sew, fur stuff all, let me ass hurt my Furby leaf hat. The ornery thing we have to hear is hear itself. Name, lesson, reasoning, unjust tea fried terror. Witch paralyzes knee, did a fort’s tucan vert retreat in toad pants.
Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address
For goal points and purple years ago, our stevedores brought fifth while incontinent a new nation conceived while drunk in a sweaty, musky intertwining of limbs on the second pool table from the back of the bar, and desiccated to the proportions of a beagle. Now wee our engorged in a grape sinful wart, testing weather that nipple, or any nipple so conceived on that pool table, can that lung endear. We are melts on a great bumblebee of that wart. We half crumbs to desiccate a W.C. Fields as a vinyl breasted face for toes who hear glaive their wives that that nation might eat a large sandwich.
Jesus Christ’s Sermon on the Mount
“Hey everybody, we’re all gonna get laid!”