Where the Hell is Everyone?

As nobody at all has probably noticed, we BroCasters have been quite lackadaisical in our postings as of late. Specifically, not a one of us has posted a single damn thing, videos of Eric and I drunkenly rambling notwithstanding, in nearly two weeks. Now I’m sure some of you fine folks are downright cheesed off that you didn’t have any new hilarity to enjoy while you were cramming your fat fucking faces with dead bird last week and feel that you are owed an explanation. You’re not.

"Where the hell is my MUTOD?!"

“Where the hell is my MUTOD this week?! And where the hell is my penis?!”

I’ll give you one anyway, though. But only because I don’t want you thinking we were all just busy doing the same boring family hoopla you probably imagine us doing over Thanksgiving. We are way too awesome/crazy/addicted to opium suppositories for that crap. Here’s where we were:

Eric – Our very own Red Panda did, in fact, return to his native New Jersey, but not for turkey and stuffing. As he does every year at this time, Eric went on his annual Italian-American vision quest to commune with his ancestors. His sweaty, swarthy, chain-and-wife-beater-wearing ancestors. For those not in the know, it involves traveling by foot to the epicenter of his people’s culture in America (the Vince Lombardi service area off exit 111 on the Jersey Turnpike) and ingesting large quantities of the secret trance potion known only to a select few until unconscious.

It's this.

It’s this.

While the visions one has while in this state are always kept secret, Eric always ends up shrieking in pure terror whenever anybody says “garlic fries” for weeks afterwards. Every year. Your guess is as good as mine.

Jean Louise – Her long absence has gone without explanation for months, but I feel like it’s time that the truth came out. Back in June, she and her brother P. D. Montgomery, along with the rest of their gang of outlaws, robbed a bank out in the southwest territories. After the heist went bad and her brother was gravely wounded, Jean Louise fled and founded her own gang out in the wilderness. Rumors of her marauding along the Mexican border abound; stealing gold and dispensing brutal frontier justice with exasperated sighs, blazing six-guns, and biting sarcasm. Word ’round these parts is she’s currently holed up at abandoned Fort Mercer, near Rio Bravo.

Jean Louise (left) mocks a stagecoach driver for his plebeian taste in music before burying him in a shallow prairie grave.

Jean Louise (left) mocks a stagecoach driver for his plebeian taste in music before burying him in a shallow prairie grave.

The current reward for her capture is $500 and two acres of fine land to help civilize the frontier.

Lee Powers – While visiting his family for the holidays on their private island, a documentary film crew managed to subdue and capture Mr. Powers. He was transported via steamer back to New York and put on display in chains for a packed Broadway theater audience. When he saw Mayor Bloomberg in the front row, the massive man broke free with a mighty roar and began to wreak havoc throughout the city. This situation is ongoing, so please check all road closures while traveling to and from Manhattan for the next few days.

As of now, the Air Force is attempting to airline several cheesesteaks to the top of the Empire State building to placate Lee.

As of now, the Air Force is attempting to airlift several dozen cheesesteaks to the top of the Empire State building to placate Lee.

Additionally, a copyright infringement lawsuit against Lee is currently being filed by the estate of Merian C. Cooper. Go ahead, Google him. I’ll wait.

P. D. Montgomery – After surviving the botched bank robbery, P. D. returned home to find that corrupt government agents had taken his fiancé and “son” (the slow cooker he uses to make BBQ pork) hostage in order to force him to hunt down his former outlaw comrades in arms. He was last seen riding southwest from Thieves Landing in the direction of Fort Mercer to confront his sister. He has not been heard from since.

Last known photograph of P. D. Montgomery.

Last known photograph of P. D. Montgomery.

On an unrelated note, I may have played way too much Red Dead Redemption recently. But probably not.

Tommy Moon – No idea where the fuck he is. Over the holidays, my family found out that the person we’ve been treating as my father is actually a highly advanced animatronic replica. It’s unclear how long ago the real Tommy was replaced, but no one seems all that concerned. He still has the same love of swearing, hair gel, and lack of understanding of any and all technology.

I mean I can't really see much of a difference.

I mean, I can’t really see much of a difference.

We were going to try to get to the bottom of this mystery, but other stuff came up. I mean, did you see that Auburn vs. Alabama game? One for the books, it was.

Me – I went to Boston with my family, hung out with my awesome grandpa, ate way too much, and stayed up really late one night drinking beer from my hotel minibar and watching Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. Because I am so much fucking cooler than you. And I don’t know about the rest of these yokels, but I’m back.

From hell's heart, I post at thee!

From hell’s heart, I post at thee!

About Paul

By reading this blog, you legally forfeit your right to cry, eat tofu, or watch movies where people kiss in the rain and sh*t!
This entry was posted in BBQ, BroCast is Awesome, Celebration, Drinking, Fatties, Happy Stuff, Hatred, Lists, Movies, Nerd Stuff, O Brave New World..., Paul is Grumpy, Sci-Fi, Ugly People. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Where the Hell is Everyone?

  1. Jason says:

    “Corrupt government agents” is redundant.

  2. Pingback: MUTOD: The Boston Market Story – Thanksgiving 2013 | BroCast News

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