Sometimes I wonder what the many people on the periphery of my life (such as the employees at the Starbucks I go to everyday, the vast majority of my coworkers, that shipwrecked family I hunted on my private island, etc) think of me. What picture do they form in their minds of who I am based on their minimal interactions, observations, and days spent hiding in trees, quivering at the sound of my bloodhounds bounding through the jungle underbrush? I may never know, because I’m usually too grumpy at work to talk to people and the heads mounted on my wall can only gaze in eternal horror as I drink away my guilt beneath them. Naked, of course.
Besides, I don’t like talking to people, regardless of the context or reason. Have you tried it? It’s awful. That’s why I prefer to deal with robots. And not the lame (albeit lovable) ones like Wall-E or the annoying, inexplicably Austrian murdery ones like T-800 model Terminators, but useful and unimposing ones like my iPhone and the security system that keeps people from escaping my island. But the robot that probably has the most insightful view of who I am is the one I use to access the vast majority of the non-pornographic entertainment I enjoy: my XBox.
This little fella has known me for years and been a faithful ally since my dark days in the Stygian, windswept wastelands of the west, when I spent many a long night back in aught-nine drinking and Halo-ing to stave off the madness. You may know it as “Oklahoma.” I also watch a lot of Netflix on it. And, as Netflix is some type of super-intelligent force that lives off the XBox, like a feisty remora (that let’s me watch several hours of Mystery Science Theater 3000 in my underpants without leaving my couch) living on the belly of a mighty shark, it has learned much of who I am. It has peered deep into my very soul and extrapolated secrets and desires within me that did not even know where there. Probably. Maybe. Shit, I don’t know. Let’s find out and take a look at what this crimson-hued, otherworldly force calls “Top Picks for Paul”:
Hyperdrive – Some sort of goofy British sci-fi comedy show, apparently. Never heard of it. Main dude is a chubby astronaut, which seems mildly amusing but will probably get tiring.
Star Trek: The Next Generation – Never really got into any of the numerous Star Trek TV shows. And I’ve found a way to live with myself so far.
How I Met Your Mother – Laugh tracks make my spine crawl, even if the few episodes of this I’ve seen have some decent wisecracks from that guy who played that precocious young doctor all those years ago. You know, the fellow married to the other fellow, has three names. I want to say…Edward James Olmos?
Orange is the New Black – Heard lots of good stuff about this, but since Netflix seems angrily determined to shove their first acclaimed internal production down my throat, fuck them. Fight the man.
National Geographic: Aryan Brotherhood – What the shit?
Red Dwarf – Another British sci-fi spoof show. A pattern is emerging.
Black Adder – Already love it. And if you want an idea of what I was like as a military officer, watch the fourth season. Rowan Atkinson has me pretty much down, except I haven’t been shot at by any Germans. Yet.
The IT Crowd – British nerds. Patterns. Etc.
Voltron: Lion Force – No.
Doctor Who – Really, Netflix? I don’t have enough English science fiction shit in my Top Picks? And you want me to watch a show that’s been around since before Tommy Moon ever tried drugs? Eat me.
The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance – Already one of my favorite westerns. No joke here, sorry.
Hell on Wheels – Eric says this show sucks. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. Because it looks like it sucks.
Batman Beyond – Batman but no Gary Oldman? Keep moving, chump.
Russel Peters: Notorious – I think I’ve heard some of this guys standup. Pretty funny. Whatever.
Dan Cummins: Crazy with a Capital F – This dude is pretty funny too.
Machine Gun Preacher – The poster makes it look like a shittier version of Man on Fire. So why don’t I just watch that?
The Expendables 2 – But I haven’t seen the first one! How will I piece together the undoubtedly complex plot full of political intrigue and Sly Stallone weeping pure HGH over how his career has shriveled like his undoubtedly steroid-ruined penis?
The Emperor’s New Groove – David Spade is the human version of nails on a chalkboard. Though I do love John Goodman and Patrick Warburton. Yeah, I IMDb-ed this shit.
Transformers – The animated show I never cared about, not the terrible movie that was terrible.
Battlestar Galactica – Love it. Still haven’t emotionally recovered from the series finale. Probably never will. So say we all.
Neverland – Insert tired Michael Jackson joke. Insert “insert” joke. Combine “Michael Jackson” with “insert” to make hybrid joke. Kill yourself.
The Truth Behind Zombies – What happened to you, National Geographic? Don’t go all History Channel on me.
The Dictator – Sacha Baron Cohen: Still existing since 2006!
Justice League – Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice, Aquaman weeps in the corner because Batman ordered sushi for lunch again!
That 70’s Show – This show was decent enough when it was on. Now it’s not. Let’s all move on with our lives.
A Bit of Fry & Laurie – This I may actually watch, because Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie are the best things to come out of Britain since Australia.
Mike Birbiglia: My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend – This dude is really funny. As is his last name. Which he makes funny jokes about. Good stuff.
Man vs Wild – I was in Afghanistan with a former SAS guy who said Bear Grylls was a total asshole even before he was ever on TV. That fucker is impressively crazy, though.
Red Bull Rampage – Nope. Nope. Nope.
Ray Harryhausen: Special Effects Titan – Yes he was. So the hell what?
Eddie Izzard: Unrepeatable – Eddie is the best thing to come out of Britain in a dress since Helen Mirren showed her boobs in Caligula. Google it!
New Girl – Of all people, Lee Powers is a huge fan of this show and he really won’t shut the fuck up about it. So…I don’t know.
Portlandia – I’ve been told this is very hit-or-miss. So why wouldn’t I just watch the good parts on YouTube? Oh that’s right, because I don’t feel like doing that either.
Better Off Ted – I don’t care.
Lost – Starting this show now would probably be like dating a good friend’s hot-but-crazy ex-girlfriend. Yeah it will start out all exciting and sexy, but I already know how it’s going to get all frustrating and terrible by the end.
Poirot – Also don’t care.
Survivors – So it’s basically The Walking Dead but without the pauses in stupid, boring family drama crap to smash zombies’ faces in? Or Norman Reedus crossbowing the living (or rather unliving, ha!) fuck out of everything? Pass.
Don’t Trust the B in Apt 23 – Good advice. I won’t.
Well shit, I suppose robots don’t really know what the hell they’re doing anymore than people do. Ah well, I suppose I can give human interaction another shot. How about you, friend? Would you like to come to my private island to hang out? Bring three day’s worth of food and don’t wear any bright colors.
Everyone loves the New Girl, you’re such a Nick.
How dare you! YOU’RE a Nick!
Starbuck tweeted about gun safety instead of gun control last June and lost half of her twitter followers (over 100,000 people).
That wouldn’t have happened to Gina Torres, because Firefly fans are not total bitches.
They don’t call him the best color man in the league for nothing, folks.
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