Earlier this week, a study conducted at Connecticut College shocked absolutely no one by showing that Oreos can be as addictive as cocaine. From a neurological standpoint, of course. In rats. Regardless, those are some highly amusing, but none too surprising, results that probably led some parents to try and calculate just how much of the tuition they pay for their kids to go to that school went to feeding cookies to rodents.

How much of your $58,780 went into this?

Why pick Oreos to test this out? The study (for those of you too lazy to read the actual study, but somehow capable of reading this bullshit) says it’s because they are “America’s favorite cookie.” Now, I certainly enjoy Oreos from time to time, but they are by no means my favorite cookie. I’m more of a chocolate and peanut butter man.

Lee Powers said he prefers these, but they don’t exist anymore. Bummer, dude.

So while this study is interesting, I find it in no way inclusive or indicative of how addictive certain other delicious and wonderful things may be. So, to any researchers out there, here’s a list of things I consider way more likely to get me jonesing for a fix than Oreos:

• Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups
• The feeling of putting on brand new underpants
• Law & Order: SVU marathons on USA
• Pad Thai
• Throwing a swarm of bees at somebody’s face in Bioshock or Bioshock 2
  

  Eat stinger, butthole!

• Throwing a murder of crows at somebody’s face and then throwing a fireball so they’re getting attacked by flaming crows in Bioshock Infinite
• A sense of superiority
• Pirate treasure
• Singing “Is This the Way to Amarillo” in the street while drunk
• Alison Brie
  

  Yep.

• Complaining
• Fantasizing about people who almost hit me on bikes being hit by a truck that’s carrying a load of bikes
• Marauding
• Watching Netflix on the toilet
• Stubb’s Smokey Mesquite BBQ sauce
  

  Tastes great on Oreos.

• Karaoke
• Playing the jug at a hoedown
• Barn raising
• Barnstorming
• Stormraising
• Talking like Sean Connery
  

  It’s why he’s so happy all the time.

• Orgasming while eating a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup
• Mexican food
• Playing my guitar while naked as a jaybird
• Seamless.com
• The look on people’s faces when I tell them I ate raw horse that one time in Japan
  

  Your horror gives me strength!

• To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women
• Disapproving of Congress
• Harrison Ford
• Words With Friends
• Peeing in the ocean
  

  You’re doing it wrong, damnit!

• Staring contemplatively off the prow of a ship
• Hydrox cookies
• Compound swearwords (ex: crapfuck)
• Orgasming while eating Mexican food
• Hot women wearing men’s dress shirts and nothing else
  

  Also yep.

• Listening to my friends who are still in the Marines talk about the shitty field exercises they have to on but I no longer have to deal with (Yes, Chris, I wrote this while you were on the phone with me talking about being stuck in Idaho with a bunch of cranky German pilots. Sucks to be you, bra!)
• California-bashing
• The comedy of Patton Oswalt
• Also Jim Gaffigan
• Ghostbusting
  

  “I’m proton packing my balls off, dudes!”

• Licking one of my friends’ faces while they’re trying to talk to a girl at a bar
• Growing facial hair
• Laser tag
• Drinking beer in the shower
• Drinking liquor in the bath
  

  She gets it.

• Revenge
• Ignoring phone calls from unfamiliar numbers
• Wikipedia
• Chocolate peanut butter Pad Thai
• Orgasming while throwing a murder of flaming crows at somebody’s face in Bioshock Infinite
  

  “Oooh baby, I’m so close…”

• Benzoylmethylecgonine

That’s all I can think of for now. Get cracking, nerds.

Bonus Video: Check out Tommy Moon and his fellowed aged rockers playing their artificial hearts out and rocking their new hips off at this year’s CBGB Festival. Go on, do it, you wuss!