The Pretentious Corner: The Breaking Bad Sort-Of-Live Blog – S05E16 – “Felina”

Inspirational Lubricant Du Jour: None. Too scared.

I’m sure I’ll be drinking something come 9.00 PM this evening, but I can’t do anything right now other than be terrified about what’s coming tonight. Instead of focusing on my crippling babyish terror, let’s focus on trying to guess the meaning of the title instead. Because fun!

My friend The Wikipedia tells me that:

Felina may refer to:

Let’s consider first  which one of these is the most likely namesake. That’s gotta be the ever-so-lazily-named “Felina Furr”, who apparently moonlights as a superhero called Alley-Kat-Abara.

Cat boobs, apparently.

Hmmph. Maybe went back to the well one too many times there, DC? According also to The Wikpedia: “Alley-Kat-Abra possesses various mystical powers, all of them amplified by or requiring the use of Magic Wanda [her magic wand]; these powers include levitation, teleportation, telepathy, limited precognition, matter transmutation, and mystical force bolts. Felina is also an expert martial artist, including being skilled in the Earth-C martial art of “kat fu” (similar to kung fu).

That sentence sounds like a show Eric pitched to Paul after 12 glasses of whiskey, a fistful of reefer and many, many tears. Meanwhile, let’s all thank Vince for having a little more ingenuity in naming his characters than said DC Comics writers. “Breaking Bad: a story about the unlikely pairing of Walty McMethTears and Jesse Redemption!” Still: can’t you just see Mr. Lambert happening upon a little Felina comic and getting all pensieve about himself, his identity, his children… No? Okay, so maybe not super likely. But still!

Much to Paul’s chagrin, it’s far likelier than “La Felina” – aka professional wrestler Gail Kim – being involved:

Me? Ow.

Doubtless there are many some three of you out there who may be hoping that lontra felina will make an appearance:

Leee’s pulling for some otter inclusion.

But you have to know that if Gilligan elects to include a cute, cuddly (New Hampshire resident?) otter in the proceedings, it’s for the exclusive purpose of shooting it in the face or pumping it full of meth. If you see an otter tonight, just know that it’s headed for the exact same fate as the sad, ostracized possum I inexplicably saw one time outside a suburban blockbuster video. Dead. So much dead.

But seriously, enough of this “Better Call Saul” business. Badger/Otter Star Trek spin-off FTW!

Personally, I’m pulling for some kind of batshit crazy reference either to the reggaeton singer (Eyyyy Meestah White!), the Pokemon character (tentacle porn?) or “Prinsesa ng mg pusa” which sounds like something Paul contracted in the Pacific theater.

I guess we’ll just have to wait and cry see. 

I do have one sneaky prediction for tonight: I think Lydia gets the ricin after mistaking it for her precious Stevia. (Why else keep that seemingly meaningless motif up right through the end of last episode?)

Otherwise, I see it going one of two ways:

1) Walt dies. The Nazis die. Todd dies in some absolutely horrific fashion like being drawn and quartered or some shit. Jesse kills Todd in a prodigal son returns kind of way. Jesse lives. Skyler, Flynn, Holly live.

2) Walt lives. Todd lives. Everybody else (except Holly) dies. And the cycle begins anew. Nothing in the BB world or the world is okay ever again.

I wouldn’t put it past Gilligan to give us an ending that utterly infuriates half of the fan base (a la #2), but after all this time, I’m pretty confident we’re getting this instead:

It’s been fun horrible, folks.

P.D. Montgomery

About P.D. Montgomery

P.D. Montgomery writes a weekly column for BroCast News on all things pretentious. His interests include tweed, wool ties and Basil Hayden's - which is better than whatever bourbon you like.
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5 Responses to The Pretentious Corner: The Breaking Bad Sort-Of-Live Blog – S05E16 – “Felina”

  1. Tom Mooney says:

    Is this all we have to talk about? A fuckin TV show. Come on guys this ain’t Siskel and Ebert. We go from the stupid Gatsby to a Meth dealing school teacher in one of the lamest places in the whole world. It’s a fuckin TV show. There is real life shit going on girls this is fantasy land. More can you top this Quentin, the dork who never got laid till he quit blockbuster ,Tarantino. Enough. Maybe it time to get off the fuckin computer, TV , earphones , and take a long walk or join a band. Eat me.

  2. Tom Mooney says:

    Eat me. When did they cancel it?

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