Some Questions I’d Like Answered

Who the fuck stole my chair? Was it one of the few coworkers that don’t annoy me as part of a humorous office prank? Because that’s okay. If it’s some assholes in one of the conference rooms, I want them beaten with a laptop.

When will the weather stop sucking? It’s gross outside. Enough.

Are skinny jeans still cool? Why?

Where did Emilio Estevez go?

Oh no, he's right behind you!

Oh no, he’s right behind you!

Will I have enough clean underpants for my vacation in Australia on Monday, or should I do another load of laundry? Can I do laundry there? Do they have laundry in Australia?

Will there ever be a good live-action GI Joe movie?

If there is a just and kind God, why would he/she/it make carbohydrates so terrible yet delicious?

Did my friend Rob buy a wife in Saudi Arabia?

As-salamu alaykum, Mrs. Rob.

As-salamu alaykum, Mrs. Rob.

Is Hank going to die? He fucking better not. If Hank dies, I will never forgive a single person that nagged me and nagged me to watch Breaking Bad until I finally gave in until the day I die. Yes, you, Eric!

When will maintenance move this broken printer off my desk? Or bring me more of them so I can build a fort? Fort A-print-che?

Is anybody surprised that Sydney Leathers is going into porn?

Do you think Sydney Leathers would have sex with me? Would I want her to?

Mmmmmmmmno.

Mmmmmmmmno.

Why did double-breasted suits go out of style? They’s so damn dapper.

What the hell is on the bottom of my sandal?

When is the next Bioshock: Infinite DLC coming out? Hmm? When, Ken Levine? Huh? WHEN? YOU TELL ME RIGHT GODDAMN NOW! Ah, I’ll just play through the regular game again. Bring them the girl, and wipe away the debt.

Does anyone else think Syrian President Bashar al-Assad looks like the other white guy from Half-Baked?

Turn over your nerve gas already, you monster.

Turn over your nerve gas already, you monster.

Can we be done with vampires for a while?

Which is more surprising: that a woman pushed her new husband off a cliff, or that more people don’t do that?

Why do they still make pants with buttons instead of zippers? What am I, Amish? Amish people don’t buy clothes at the Gap, you dipshits!

Do push-up bras count as lies? I mean, they’re awesome and all, but my questions still stands.

Perfidy!

Perfidy!

What’s better, Thai food or Mexican food?

If racism ends, will racist jokes be okay? Or will they just no longer exist?

What the fuck is wrong with Dennis Rodman?

What’s going to happen to Tim Tebow? Should I care?

Mmmmmmmno.

Mmmmmmmmno.

Why does it take so long to get kittens off the subway tracks?

How many more times will Futurama get cancelled?

How do you feel about Ben Affleck as Batman? Because I feel pretty “meh,” but some people are just totally crapping their underpants on this thing.

Do you think Huma Abedin would have sex with me to get back at her husband? Because I know for sure I would do that.

Heck yes.

Heck yes.

Would you rather fall in love with someone with a hot face but they defecate out of their mouth or someone with a body that looks perfect but is actually made of chewed bubble gum?

Mustache?

Also heck yes.

Also heck yes.

I found out who took my chair. It’s cool. Next time, death by laptop. The End.

About Paul

By reading this blog, you legally forfeit your right to cry, eat tofu, or watch movies where people kiss in the rain and sh*t!
This entry was posted in Assholes, Breasts, Current Events, Famous People, GI Joe, Happy Stuff, Hatred, Headlines, Hipsters, Lists, Movies, Nerd Stuff, O Brave New World..., Paul is Grumpy, SEX, Travel. Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to Some Questions I’d Like Answered

  1. 1) You know this answer
    2) http://www.theweathernetwork.com/weather/united-states/new-york/new-york
    3) On men? Absolutely not. On Women? They will survive until the resurgence of bell bottoms.
    4) He felt that, as a performer, he couldn’t ever top the genius of D3, so he became a “director”
    5) Underpants are important, bring extra underpants. No one will like you if you don’t have clean underpants.
    6) No. Human action stars will never replicate the emotional depth and character nuance of the plastic toys.
    7) He did it on purpose. God likes fat people; he thinks they’re jolly.
    8) Has Rob been pushed off any cliffs recently?
    9) If Hank doesn’t die, everything will be wrapped up in a pretty little bow and justice will be served. That’s not how Gilligan rolls. My prediction: Hank and Jesse, dead. Walter, alive and cancer-free. Maybe Walt Jr and Skylar will die too (anyone but Saul, he’s got a spinoff. Though it may be a prequel). Let’s just Hamlet this thing- one unimportant side character survives and Literally Nobody Else.
    10) It’s possible you’re being surveilled and it was placed there by your overlords to test whether you will take the initiative to move it yourself. Or strip it for parts.
    11) No.
    12) Yes she would. No you would not.
    13) see #19 and your aversion to buttons. folk dont want to do up all them buttons.
    14) the hopes and dreams of your lessers?
    15) im skipping this one because i dont care.
    16) only a little bit. but i enjoy the demonstration of your contradictory knowledge base.
    17) i thought we were. are we not? are they still coming to you in the night?
    18) i think this questions reveals some inner darkness that you ought to get assessed.
    19) because zippers are conformist.
    20) yes. yes they do. but men like liars.
    21) thai by a long shot.
    22) it’d be better if they were okay but they’ll more likely go away because the white people will still be scared of being called racist, even if they’re not racist.
    23) Nothing. Just because a man likes to vacation in North Korea doesn’t mean he’s crazy…
    24) He will be hired to teach creationism to highschool religion classes in a small southern town where they watch college football, but never pro.
    25) It takes a lot of patience and determination to relieve them of the suicidal thoughts that led them there.
    26) At least 2.
    27) Has anyone ever seen a Snyder film? It won’t be Affleck that brings this thing down.
    28) No way. That woman likely doesn’t want a penis anywhere near her. Don’t even talk to her about penises. Just leave penises out of it!
    29) umm…. the first one. but the Pretty Woman kissing rule is non-negotiable.
    30) NO! Make the Mustache Stop!

    • Paul says:

      1. True. It was Emily. She thought I’d left for the day. All good.
      2. No, I meant eternally. As in when will Cobra finish the weather dominator? Which ties somewhat to #6.
      3. They do look great on women. Way better than bellbottoms.
      4. Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack…
      5. Sometimes I don’t wear underpants, though.
      6. I know my action figures were a hell of a lot better than Channing goddamn Tatum at everything.
      7. That explains why he’s such good buddies with Santa.
      8. Do they even have cliffs in Saudi Arabia? Maybe he could get rolled down a sand dune or something.
      9. You may be right about all of that, but if it ends that way I’m punching Eric square in the dick.
      10. I feel like my overlords won’t start surveilling me until they start paying me better.
      11. Exactly.
      12. Good call on both counts.
      13. I only really mind them on pants. I don’t need extra steps when I have to pee.
      14. If it were that, there would be way more of it. Someday…
      15. You sicken me.
      16. It’s the weak chin they share. I can’t un-see the similarity.
      17. I thought so too, but I’m still somehow meeting people who like Twilight and True Blood and all that stupid horseshit. Where do they keep coming from? Do we have to put a stake through Stephanie Meyers’s heart? Can we no matter what?
      18. Heh, yeah.
      19. So’s shitting indoors. But those fucking hipsters never get all high and mighty about that.
      20. Heh, yeah. Big ones.
      21. I don’t know about “by a long shot.” But yeah, I’m leaning towards Thai. Today.
      22. Sad, but probably true.
      23. Yes. Yes it does.
      24. Sad, but probably true. Wait, not sad, the other thing: funny.
      25. Maybe because they were pushed there by their new spouses.
      26. I hope so. I need more.
      27. Good point. Also depressing.
      28. C’mon, who doesn’t like some good, ol’ fashioned, nasty revenge sex?
      29. Would you accept oral?
      30. You love it.

  2. 9) You signed up to watch an antihero drama on basic cable and expect the good guys to live? If Eric tricked you into thinking that was a possibility then Eric may be an evil genius. Which is not to say that evil geniuses Shouldn’t be punched in the dick…
    16) Other men with similarly weak chins: David Cooper of the Cleveland Indians and Kermit of the Frogs
    17) True Blood is actually just porn with people who are more attractive than porn stars. I’m not sure anyone’s really in it for the vampires anymore. They’re in it for the full-frontal Skarsgard that apparently happened in the finale. It’s ending soon, though, don’t worry.
    24) I should have said “science class” #missedopportunitiesforwit
    29) this is essentially the same question as asking a man if he would give anal.
    30) it’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to someone’s face, apart from a weak chin and perhaps the hypothetical in #29

    • Paul says:

      9. He’s more of an idiot savant. And I’m still holding on to the hope that it ends with Jesse pushing Walt so he trips over Hank who’s crouching behind him. Then Jesse and Hank jump and high-five. Then Walt falls into a volcano. But I’m a dreamer like that.
      16. Kermit the Frog seems like he’d be more likely to use a blood agent than a nerve gas if engaged in chemical warfare.
      17. I’ll grant those fellas on True Blood are handsome. But Anna Paquin has B- breasts at best, and Michael Strahan could fit trough that gap in her teeth.
      24. Nice.
      29. So is that a no?
      30. Your blog replies say “no,” but your eyes say “I’d ride that like a mechanical bull.”

  3. 9) … then Hank loses his job for not catching Walt sooner. Jesse goes to prison because there’s no longer anyone to testify against so an immunity deal is off the table; he eventually dies of an overdose. Breaking Bad doesn’t feel like the right show for you. Have you tried the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers?
    17) Agreed. Alan Ball’s sexual orientation was showing when he cast that show.
    30) You know who might be interested is Sydney Leathers. You should give her a call.

  4. Eric says:

    9) Eric IS AN EVIL GODDAMN GENIUS!

  5. Eric says:

    I read the Sydney Leathers question and ensuing image and immediately thought of:

    Sustained Groaining

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