Lee done went and pulled a Tommy Moon this week and had some sort of data-streaming-inter-nerd-Android-TRON type problem and was unable to get to our site. But, lucky for us all, he was able to text (and then later, thankfully, email) me his post for today. So I’m taking his bounce pass and putting the rock in the net for my chum. Imagery! Okay, here goes:
My editor is a goddamn fascist. I don’t know who he thinks he’s kidding, expecting me to work during Labor Week. To quote the great Eugene V Debs, “As long as there is a lower class I am among them, as long as there are ribs I peace the fuck out.” Never will I do such a disservice to my loyal readership as to work during a sacred American holiday. It is for you, dear reader, always you.
Now that Labor Week has come and gone our thoughts turn to autumn, and the return of football, long pants, and wearing socks like a dirty poor person. Perhaps some of you will engage on the ancient american tradition of being dragged to an apple orchard to complain while your significant other pays a premium to pick their own produce. The Joads would be flabbergasted (enjoy the literary reference, P.D. The only one you’ll get). Apples are an important part of American history. We fought WW2 for mom and apple pie, and we won, which is why we go apple picking instead cabbage pickling. Our greatest apple themed folk hero is the legendary Johnny Appleseed.
The legend of Johnny Appleseed is based on a real person, renowned vegetarian and pacifist John Chapman. Chapman roamed the American frontier, planting apple trees and generally weirding people out by wearing a pot as a hat (editor, please insert a “pothead” pun here, k thx)(Labor Week’s over. Do your own work, you goddamn communist -Ed). Nowadays we assume that Chapman was planting red delicious and granny smith apples, and spreading macintosh’s like a frontier Steve Jobs. But that’s not how apples work. we don’t plant new apple trees, we graft branches onto other trees to propagate our weird mutant clone apples. This truly is an age of wonder. Apples that can plant a tree are generally useless for eating. They are small, bitter, and unpleasant to look at, just like my ex-wife.
So why did Johnny Appleseed plant so many trees? Was he crazy, or worse an environmentalist? The answer is simple, Appleseed liked to get drunk. Way back when, everyone home-brewed. There was moonshine everywhere, and apples made the perfect base for booze. It was also used to make “applejack,” a delicious moonshine variant and part of a balanced breakfast. So next time you drink apple flavored booze that could blind you, remember this great American hero.
PS – Please insert pictures of fucking eagles and fire works and high mutant apples.
PPS – When I say fucking eagles I mean radical birds, not eagles mating.
PPPS – Please include one picture of eagles in the act of coitus.
PPPPS – If you don’t have time to find pictures just include all the PS’s but this one.