George Carlin was one of my favorite comedians growing up — not because he was the best Mr. Conductor (forget Ringo) — but his rhetoric and his eloquent delivery made him stand out amongst the crowd:
“Here’s another group of mutants with missing chromosomes who ought to be thrown screaming from a helicopter.”
Of course, I’m overlooking his last special on HBO, because it was a misstep in his career, an angry guy shouting out to the world about what a shitty place our country was in at the time.
So with that in mind, I’m going to “borrow” a bit from him, and give you a few selects of my abridged list of individuals who should go away forever. I’ll not say “die” because this is the internet, and the internet has such a wonderful memory.
So let’s talk about people on the internet.
1) People who want to “win” the Internet.
Everyone wants to be “FIRST!”, or have the most followers, or have a post with the most likes. Hashtags like #surroundedbybabes, #picoftheyear, and #thesearemyhotbitches are simply loud screams for attention, acceptance and popularity. They’re also odd. You have friends? Good for you! You are surrounded by your sister and her good-looking friend and feel the need to advertise it via hashtags? Okay.
You were the first to comment on the “Patrick Stewart Quadruple Take” video? Give this commenter the confidence he has so very much earned! You’re set for life!
On Instagram alone I receive “likes” from Spambots, wherein I can get 50,000 followers simply if I “follow” this one bot. Because nothing screams “I need to be popular(!)” like having a bunch of non-people liking your pictures that you took. Of yourself.
And while it is true that everyone elses Facebook status updates and images create an illusion of happiness that doesn’t mean that you have to go out there and one-up something that does not actually exist If the illusion of happiness was so true and so genuinely real, there wouldn’t be time to upload all of that shit on Facebook. No one would be so connected to their phone that the beach pictures needed to be sent immediately.
Oh, and the girls from Chive. Keep it up. It’s not like your boobfie image is not amongst the thousands posted to that site by the truckload. If you want to find love online, it’s not Match or Tender or OkCupid — Chive is the answer.
2) People who don’t know when it is time to not-troll.
You know that kid in middle school who used to get picked on?
Hopefully That person is making at least 75k more than you. That guy has paid his dues. If you were mean to him in school and you saw him today you would treat him like a normal human being.
And to him, you’d still be an asshole. No grudges, but come on, let’s be frank here. An elephant never forgets, right four eyes?
On the Intersphere it is a completely different animal. And you need to look no further than Ghyslain “The Star Wars Kid” Raza to see proof of this. The fact that the video is still available online, and has permeated the mainstream media screams volumes. I’d make a joke about how Ghyslain is the man who truly “won” the internet, but his story is actually kind of depressing.
People on the internet don’t know when to stop picking on people, and one Amanda Todd is e-fucking-nough.
3) Slacker Slacktivists
Every so often there will be a mass Facebook movement of people who will change their profile pictures for a cause. Sometimes it is Doppleganger Month, where you change your picture to a celebrity or an animal that looks like you. I’m told I should be Hank Azaria this year. Screw you, I’m a sloth.
But every so often, the fun goes away and there is a picture of a ribbon to stop school shootings, or a children’s character to stop child abuse. Or, you know, a bright green square to signify the hardships that post-production graphics people have to endure.
Oddly enough, some of these mass movements work for certain charities. There are people who do become more aware of certain causes, and few donate. These are the good people.
Those of you who put up the picture just to jump on the bandwagon, and run with the herd…you are those who should go away.
4) The grateful status-posters
If you A) survived an accident because you were lucky, or “God interfered,” or you were just wearing your seatbelt, or B) You’re David Morrissey on his next show, Line of Sight, then your gratitude is warranted. With no context, any sort of Facebook status that starts with “I am so grateful to have such good friends and family in my life blahblahblah…” is obnoxious.
You mean to tell me that you weren’t grateful for my friendship before, you clown? You only realized this today? Are you dying?
Thirty-nine likes later (out of the 400 friends you have) and add a month or two of time, and I bet you’ve completely forgotten.
Obviously I don’t live on the internet (yet), so here are some…”real” people who should go away:
5) Families who don’t know how to use the sidewalk
The population in New York City is something like 8.2 million people. That is a lot of people living atop one another, occupying the same space.
This means that, unless 8.1 million people are invalids, there’s a lot of people who are outside walking on the sidewalk. Add tourists and that number grows.
So here’s my problem, because when I am walking to work in the morning I have no interest in following your wake of BO and/or broccoli farts. I don’t care who you are, so get. the. fuck out of my way. And if you are a family of four and you are all walking in a line formation then I am going to break through through it and shove someone into a carriage horse.
It’s only $3.50 per minute. Think about what a great experience they’ll be getting having gone on the ride for free!
6) People who talk on their phones on the bus
I don’t care if it is the M72 bus that goes across town, or the Megabus that goes up to Boston, but on most buses there is a sign that clearly says not to chat on the phone and to keep it for text-messaging only. I don’t mind if someone gets a call and keeps it light and very brief, “I’ll call you back when I’m off the bus,” but not a full-fledged conversation about how your balls are developing weird spots.
I give not a single damn about the “Dytrack Development plan,” and its “expected quarterly margins,” or whatever the hell your “girlfriend said” about what you should “bring to the party.” Shut. The. Fuck. Up. Why do I have to listen to one half of your conversation? And how are you okay with knowing that everyone on the bus is listening to you talking about your personal shit?
This thing also applies to the guy who keeps his phone on “loud” on the bus and the ringer goes off three or four times. You’d think after the first time the guy would realize to put the damn thing on vibrate. I’m trying to sleep. (Wild Hogs was on)
7) People who text during a movie
You just paid $14 to go see Who Framed Paula Deen? this summer’s hottest action blockbuster starring Ahnold as Paula Deen, and your neighbor (left, right, front, whatever) busts out his phone in the middle of the movie. Why? What are you doing? Are you really still playing Draw Something, Paul?
But this does happen. You do see people’s phones light up in the movie every once in a while. Oh it’s on silent…that’s nice of you…but still…the fuck are you doing on your phone? The phone being on silent doesn’t change the fact that a light directly in front of you in a dark room is intrusive when you’re trying to enjoy a movie.
Being IN THE THEATER watching a movie is a shared experience. Everyone is completely engrossed in the movie. They cheer when something cool happened, and laugh when something was funny, but no one should talking and not one cell phone should light up.
But for there to be evil there has to be good. Until next time.