If You Want a Picture of the Future…

Imagine there being so many dance/talent shows on television that every single person in America is a contestant on one – forever.

Imagine Taylor Swift getting dumped but instead of writing another generic pop-country song, she tears the man’s throat out like Patrick Swayze in Road House – forever.

"We are never, ever, ever getting back together."

“We are never, ever, ever getting back together.”

Imagine P. D. Montgomery utilizing overly complex wording and aureate language to illustrate his ardent partiality towards the stuff he watches on Netflix all day while drinking bourbon in his underpants – forever.

Imagine a woman in Brooklyn giving birth to an original Joy Division vinyl LP wearing a paisley fedora – forever.

Imagine Buzzfeed doing a list of “The 25 Things About Buzzfeed That Buzzfeed Loves to Buzzfeed About” and the internet collapsing in on itself – forever.

Imagine a skeletal Joey Chestnut eating hotdogs – forever.



Imagine Tom Brady finally seeing himself in one of those Ugg ads and putting a loaded revolver in his mouth – forever.

Imagine that one scene from The Amazing Spider Man where Dennis Leary just unloads round after round of buckshot into the Lizard and it’s fucking awesome but kinda sucks because you know he’s going to die anyway – forever.

Imagine sitting next to that one coworker who only remembers one line of each current pop hit but likes to sing it out loud at random intervals throughout the day until you try to dig the lyrics out of your brain with a power drill – forever.

Imagine CNN becoming a channel where a bedraggled and haunted Wolf Blitzer just reads the Google News RSS into a webcam – forever.

Imagine George R. R. Martin drinking your tears out of a beer stein – forever.

"The Red God demands sacrifice!"

“The Red God demands sacrifice. And it’s delicious”

Imagine Ricky Gervais giggling at one of his own jokes on some talk show for way too long, but then we cross-disolve to him giggling in a padded room in a mental hospital because our entire universe is just in his shattered mind – forever.

Imagine watching an episode of BroCast where you think Eric is actually wearing a nice tie, but then it zooms in and you realize it’s a human foot tied to his neck with twine – forever.

Imagine what, after four Halo games, Master Chief’s armor must smell like – forever.

Imagine waiting for the 6 train in the summer and you get that one drop of sweat that rolls slowly down the small of your back to your buttcrack – forever.

Imagine seeing Christina Hendricks naked, but she has no nipples – forever.

Nobody's this hot.

Nobody’s this hot.

Imagine sometime, when the team is up against it and the breaks are beating the boys, you go out there with all you’ve got and win  just one for the Gipper, but then find out the Gipper was banging your girlfriend – forever.

Imagine getting a lap dance from a really hot stripper who genuinely likes you, but she gets carried off by one of those giant eagles from The Lord of the Rings – forever.

Imagine Michael Bay as the next pope – forever.

"Happy Easter, motherfuckers!"

“Happy Easter, motherfuckers!”

Imagine Jean Louise having her greatest fantasy come true, but then realizes with a scream of despair that, without stupid people, there’s no one to pick beans for her coffee – forever.

Imagine Chris Christie and Rand Paul screaming in each others faces really loud and then they just start making out really hard – forever.

“My only love sprung from my only hate! Too early seen unknown, and known too late! Prodigious birth of love it is to me, That I must love a loathed enemy."

“My only love sprung from my only hate!
Too early seen unknown, and known too late!
Prodigious birth of love it is to me,
That I must love a loathed enemy.”

Imagine a homeless guy squatting on his seat on the subway to shit but instead a Faberge egg comes out, though it still smells like poop – forever.

Imagine you’re on a Japanese game show – forever.

Imagine riding atop an MQ-1 Predator UAV like it’s Falkor – forever.

It's just like a luck dragon, but with a full compliment of AGM-114 Hellfire missiles.

It’s just like a luck dragon, but with a full compliment of AGM-114 Hellfire missiles.

Imagine Miley Cyrus opening her mouth to sing at the Super Bowl, but no sound comes out except an atonal hum like distant machinery – forever.

Imagine Alex Rodriguez waving a cowboy hat and hollering astride a nuclear bomb as it falls from a B-52 above the Baseball Hall of Fame – forever.

Imagine the 1992 LA Riots reenacted by thousands of drunk toddlers – forever.

"Dispatch, we got abouth 300 pissed off people at the corner of Florence and Normandie, over."

“Dispatch, we got about 300 pissed off people at the corner of Florence and Normandie, over.”

Imagine your doctor losing his flexible sigmoidoscope inside of you – forever.

Imagine Lee Powers tearfully muttering “Now I am become death, the destroyer of worlds” after being forced to ride Citibike to save a puppy wearing people clothes – forever.

Imagine Bode Miller reading Catcher in the Rye out loud to Ryan Lochte – forever.

He probably reads about as well as he skis.

He probably reads about as well as he skis.

Imagine a man trying on a pair of jackboots to stamp on human faces with and they’re really comfortable but a bit overpriced and he can’t justify buying them on his salary, so he goes home but really regrets not splurging a little on good jackboots so he goes back the next day but they’re all sold out and they won’t restock until next month – forever.

Imagine that scene from The Crying Game except when Stephen Rea gets down to where the vagina should be, it’s just WWII veteran and author E. B. Sledge smoking a pipe and shaking his head in disappointment – forever.

"I lobbed mortars at the Japs on Peleliu and Okinawa for THIS?"

“I lobbed mortars at the Japs on Peleliu and Okinawa for THIS?”

Imagine somebody sticking a pin in Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and he rapidly deflates like a sturdy ballon, flying haphazardly around the room making fart noises – forever.

Imagine if you woke up one day to find your life was a combination of Glee and Groundhog Day – forever.

Imagine not putting the lotion in the basket – forever.

Imagine an episode of Law & Order: SVU that’s just a forty-two minutes of Ice-T explaining what happened to Lehman Brothers – forever.

"So then Tim Geithner hit up Barclays and BoA, but those dudes was all like 'Hell naw.'"

“So then Tim Geithner hit up Barclays and BoA, but those dudes was all like ‘Hell naw.'”

Imagine every single Facebook comment and post starting with “I’m not racist, but…” – forever.

imagine tommy moon forgoing all punctuation and capitalization while screaming obscenities at his ipad forever

Imagine Anthony Wiener dying in exactly the same way as James Cagney’s character in White Heat – forever.

"Made it, penis! Top of the world!"

“Made it, penis! Top of the world!”

Imagine some Islamic extremist group releases a video where they behead someone, but when they do a bunch of those gag spring snakes pop out instead of blood – forever.

Imagine an ironic handlebar mustache on a human face – forever.

Imagine me naked – forever.

You wish.

You wish.

About Paul

By reading this blog, you legally forfeit your right to cry, eat tofu, or watch movies where people kiss in the rain and sh*t!
This entry was posted in Assholes, Breasts, childhood, Current Events, Death, Drinking, Famous People, Hatred, Headlines, Hipsters, Kill Yourself, Movies, Nerd Stuff, O Brave New World..., Paul is Grumpy, Quotables, Rage, Sci-Fi, SEX, Ugly People, Wacky Animals. Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to If You Want a Picture of the Future…

  1. P.D. Montgomery says:

    I don’t get it.

  2. Eric says:

    Don’t be hatin on my human foot tie.

  3. Charles Kuhnmuench says:

    Imagine that video of the female army MP bawling and screaming after being pepper sprayed, but instead of hitting strike pads, she’s hitting David Petraeus – forever.

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