How I (almost) Became a Registered Sex Offender

You ever just have one of those days? Nothing seems to g

o right: You over sleep your alarm, you stub your toe, or maybe you just can’t find your keys? You think “This is the worst Day EVER! How could this get any worse?” I had one of those days, and trust me, it can always get worse.


Quit crying you wuss

I was having a really shitty day. A job interview hadn’t gone as I expected; I had spent 8 hours preparing and turned down a job to take this interview only to be told I wasn’t qualified for the job I’ve been doing for the past year. BooHoo, I know, but after nearly two years of underemployment these things get to you. I was positive that this was rock bottom, but life always like to get in one last good shot when you’re down. And watch out for that last step, it’s a doozy.

My father is getting on in years. he’s not OLD, but he is dealing with all the little health things that come with getting older. Probably not wanting to leave me alone, he had me drive him to a doctor’s appointment.
We took his RV because the suspension in my truck is shot. It looks something like this:


Totally not a rape van.

I dropped him off at the doctors office and parked on the street around the corner, because fuck no I’m not paying $3.50 for parking. I left the van idling so i could run the AC and blast some sweet tunes on the radio. I pulled out my book (I’m rereading Stephen King’s Salem’s Lot for those who are interested) and started to read. After about 5 minutes of this A cop cruiser pulled up behind me.

Let's get this dog in people clothes thing out of the way now... because this story is about to get a whole lot worse.

Let’s get this dog in people clothes thing out of the way now… because this story is about to get a whole lot worse.

I assumed he was here to move me along from the no parking zone I was standing in when two more cruisers pulled up and some very enthusiastic officers hopped out and surrounded the RV. I was ordered to show them my license and to keep my hands where I can see them. After a very bizarre and uncomfortable 5 minutes of waiting the officer in charge asked me to step out of the car and stand on the curb.
As soon as I got out of the car the other two officers started searching it. Then the lead officer asked if I had been adjusting myself. not understanding the question, I asked him to clarify and he said “Were you jerking off, boy?”.
Apparently, when you haven’t shaved in a day and sit in an RV labeled “PleasureWay” idling in a school zone wearing dirty pajamas with a book in your lap, people assume you’re jerking off. Before I had a chance to answer the accusations one of the officers searching the car held up my dad’s portable urinal and asked what it was.

In my father's defense, he does a lot of driving in areas that don't always have running water, so this is a normal thing to have.

In my father’s defense, he does a lot of driving in areas that don’t always have running water, so this is a normal thing to have.

Not wanting to shout “That’s my dad’s piss bottle” across the road I said “That’s for holding fluids” and immediately regretted my choice of words. Realizing I wasn’t making the best case for my self I turned to the officer accusing me of self love by the sidewalk and explained “No officer, I wasn’t masturbating” (and for the record no, dear reader, I had not been whacking it).
He took me at my word for it, finished checking the cars registration and my license, then went to go explain that I wasn’t pounding the pope to the 300lbs woman who called it into the police. And then they let me go on my merry way.
There are two reasons why this disturbed me:
(1) I apparently look so much like a sex offender people call the cops when they see me.
(2) If I had been a sex offender I TOTALLY COULD HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT. What the hell guys, do some investigating.

So next time you want to say how bad your day was because the barrista put soy milk in your latte, remember that nobody thought you were a kiddy diddler, and thank your lucky stars.

It kinda makes you think about the whole "real boy" wish in a new light, huh?

It kinda makes you think about the whole “real boy” wish in a new light, huh?

About LeeePowers

This blog is a court ordered thing, only 78 weeks and I'm out of here!
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