Inspirational Lubricant Du Jour: Nothing because my stomach has been wreaking havoc on me of late and I’m still afraid to put alcohol in it. Curse you, chemical imbalance.
I’m on my first ever business trip (me! “business!”) this weekend, so this week’s post will be short by my standards and interminable by everyone else’s. Instead of attempting a structure, I’m just going to offer a numbered list of vaguely Miami and/or non-Miami related thoughts. It’ll be like a MUTOD, but actually funny. An FMUTOD, which sounds like the name of something Paul used to fire at piles of sand in the desert using our hard-earned tax dollars.
1. We drove into Downtown Miami last night just after the Heat game finished. For a while, we couldn’t tell whether they’d won or lost, but after the 167th sullen-faced, thin-beardy, jacked-and-or-fat dude: we knew. Our hotel is across the street from the arena and, as I fought off the urge to run them all down, I realized that what should have been an inconvenience was actually pure pleasure. As a Celtics fan, I relished their pain like a succulent mutton chop. I’ve never had so much fun driving through a crowd of people.
2. For about 10 years, and well after my first year of taking Spanish in school, I thought Will Smith was saying something like “Kem-bay-nee-toe-ami-ami” in the song “Miami.” I think I thought it was Japanese.
3. Jean Louise once paid real money for a compact disc of Big Willie Style. She then played said compact disc. A lot. Remind her of this when she’s gushing to you about how amazing The National show was this past weekend.
4. Fact: Will Smith turned down the role of Django in Django Unchanged because he didn’t get to kill the bad guy and he didn’t want to play a supporting role. After Earth is the movie he made instead. Look out for his next feature: Ego Mulligan, directed by Michael Bay.
5. Fact: Speaking of directing, M. Night Shyamalan directed After Earth. It’s gotten to the point with him where the marketing campaign doesn’t even mention his name. “Just wait until you see what happens… AFTER EARTH. Directed by someone. We promise.” You could have given me a hundred guesses in advance of that film and I don’t think I’d have brought up the Shamalamadingdonger. At this point, the guy is one hot-chick-centric video game adaptation away from going full Uwe Boll on us, which is crazy because Unbreakable was actually a really good movie. Yeah, I said it. That movie asks many of the same questions as The Dark Knight and explores them in equally interesting and skillful ways, albeit without name-brand superheroes. It also contains the most menacing glass of orange juice ever captured on film.
Seriously, guys. It’s really good. If I showed Unbreakable to you in a vacuum it would be tough to follow because of all the dust flying everywhere. But if it were a metaphorical vacuum and then after you watched it I told you Chris Nolan directed it, I bet you’d say it was cool. It.
6. Miami is hot as balls. And not remotely interesting enough to justify its hotness. Just like a lot of the girls I dated before my pending wife.
7. Miami is like the Florida of Florida.
8. Who wants to live in a city where you can literally never wear tweed?
9. The Heat’s crowd-motivation thing is called a “White Out.” Everybody dresses in white shirts as a sign of solidarity and they give out shirts at the game to Spur (!) people on. All around town there are signs saying things like “Join the White Out!” and “White Hot White Out!” Yeah… so history tells us that the whole “White Out” rallying cry usually a) fails miserably and b) bespeaks a terrible, soulless, piece of dog shit of a human being.
10. Maybe if Miami whites out its whole city we can take our pens and write on top of it a city that is actually worth a crap.
11. Spurs in 7.
I’ll have you know that “Big Willy Style” was a Christmas gift. That and Jewel’s “Hands,” same year.
And FMUTOD is a Falafel Multiple Uranium Targeted Ordnance and Director. It’s a laser guided rocket (uranium tipped for bunker penetration) that can lock onto a nickel-sized dollop of tahini sauce from 30 klicks away. Cost to the taxpayer: $1.4 million per shot.