On Wednesday, Leeepowers asked if I was hot.

Things I know:

My tiny apartment has a well-meaning if occasionally sputtery air conditioner.

Were I to be cannibalized the flavor would not be spicy but whatever Sun Protection Factor 50 tastes like.

I’m not on fire.

Knowing these three things, among all the tens of things I know, I can assume that Lee’s question concerns my sexual attractiveness.

Do I have sexual attractiveness?  How much of it do I have?  Is it enough?

I examined the four images included in Lee’s inquiry about my sexual attractiveness.  Two are dogs.  One is a dog dressed like Natasha Romanoff.  Another picture is a Carmen Sandiego imposter, and the last a member of Rockapella circa 1990-something.

Which of these images do I compare myself to, to determine my sexual attractiveness?

This is the Carmen I remember:

Mysteriously pixelated broad-shouldered one-eyed diabolical genius who’s a little bit Dick Tracy, a little bit Charlie Sheen’s Aramis from The Three Musketeers ’93.

“Thou shall not sexualize characters marketed to children.”

After careful consideration, I’ve decided that the Carmen imposter is what Lee means by sexual attractiveness.  If I compare myself to her, we’ll have our answers.

First things first, CSD is a thief and I’m no crime-doer.  I’m a crime-fighter.  And how I fight crime is that I watch crime-fighting on television.  I do that a lot.  So, I guess, negative ten points sexual attractiveness.

If a lot of people were pointing guns at me, I too would need a drink.  But I would not be making that face “Carmen” is making.

“Minus 10 points.”

I don’t have any outfits like Carmen Imposter’s outfit.  My two favorite crime-fighting women look like this:

“WTF.”

“WTF.”

“WTF.”

“WTF.”

The pale, fully clothed, and unamused- they are my people.  Minus 10 points.

According to my calculator we’re at negative 30 points sexual attractiveness already!

Tune in next week when we broach the subject of tits and ass.