Dear Tuesday,
You have a lot of balls interrupting my Arrested Development binge. Lucky for you I’m not a wage slave like my dear and faithful readers.
Sincerely,
Lee Powers

Allow me to SEGWAY into my post. THAT IS A PUN! I LEARNED ABOUT PUNS THIS WEEKEND!

Two things this post, a good news bad news wildcard type of situation.
Post the First: In which Lee Powers bitches about people on the Internet
It finally happened to me… I lost a facebook friend. This is embarrassing for me to discuss, and it’s just the cherry on top of my social media shit sundae. My klout score is plummeting (49, one point below Snooki, and the lowest since 2011), nobody is liking my posts, and I literally just remembered Facebook’s poke functionality. That means it has been so long since somebody poked me that I assumed facebook had simply removed it. I’m turning into a social media pariah, a real Paul.

I couldn’t even get a #HappyBirthday from my @Mimsy if she were alive and on Twitter

But this is the story of me hitting rock bottom. With the premiere of Season 4 of Arrested Development on Sunday I felt the need to post something witty on facebook (or try at least, if brevity is the soul of wit how funny am I when I’m restricted to 140 characters [see how funny that last aside was? I kept it to 100 characters, the optimal tweet length #twitterpro]). So I posted some obviously fake spoilers for the new season *FAKE SPOILER ALERT I joked that the new season opened up at Buster’s Funeral *REAL SPOILER ALERT it doesn’t. Some people got really upset about this. some people posted comments on the status with vulgar language, and some dressed me down like a disappointed parent, and this being the internet, I got called a fagg*t once or twice (mostly in private messages, which somehow makes it feel worse. I spent all day monitoring the facebook explosion from my smart phone (I imagine Amanda Bynes does the same time every time she… does anything she does now, that girl is a mess) watching who was posting, how many likes I got, and other social networking words. I ignored dinner, and I was livid when someone actually unfriended me over this. I turned to my GIRLFRIEND (SORRY LADIES) and said “Y’know, Some people take the internet too seriously.” and you know what? I was RIGHT.

If I wrote a children’s book I’d call it “The Dog in People’s Clothing at the End of this Post” for licensing reasons.

I need to take a chill pill on social media, dry myself out. Maybe I’ll head to the Austerity clinic.

Post the Second: In which Lee Powers explains the Birds and the Bees

After my stunning Social Media defeat I spent much of this morning staring out of windows at raindrops and leaning my head against curtains.

Yeah, just like that.

My only joy in life, now that I’m off Candy Crush, is watching my birdfeeder. Mostly I get sparrows, but I’ve had a proud Cardinal come by for the past week. He has been coming around for a while, a swinging bachelor just hitting the seed bar to see whats shaking. This morning a female Cardinal arrived (you can tell from her subdued plumage and wonderful crest). Initially, I will admit I was excited. The prospect of raising little niece and nephew Cardinals is thrilling, taking them to their baseball games and forgetting ballet recitals, sniping about their mother after a divorce (A SNIPE IS ALSO A KIND OF BIRD, IS THAT A PUN PD?). I started plotting ways to have the Cardinals meet accidentally at Starbucks for a NEST-CAFE (THAT’S ANOTHER PUN! I’M GETTING GOOD AT THIS!) when I realized that this is just what all straight people do when they meet a new gay friend “Oh, you’re gay? I know someone else who’s gay, you would be PERFECT for each other!” Who am I to presume that these Cardinals would be good for each other? Maybe he’s an abusive drunk, maybe she’s snotty, maybe they wont be able to agree how to raise the chicks (egglican? is that close enough for a pun PD?). I have no business trying to run their lives. I hope they’ll learn to love each other. I hope they’ll migrate down to Mexico. I hope the water is as blue as I imagine it. I hope.

I bet you thought I forgot to post a dog in people clothes.

Happy belated Memorial Day. Make sure you only celebrate veterans who lost their lives in the line of duty and not any lazy living veterans or the serious people will yell at you on Facebook.