Inspirational Lubricant Du Jour: “Lagunitas Sucks”, American Double/Imperial IPA

I’m breaking out my Early-Onset Curmudgeonliness this week in order to wax pretentious on the subject of how to conduct yourself like a Normal Fucking Human (hereafter “NFH”), even in new and potentially excitable circumstances.

“That’s Type-2 Curmudgeonliness to you, sonny.”

My basic thesis is this: that there is no (repeat: NO) positive life experience so new, exciting or unbelievable that it licenses you to act like a total and complete asshat in celebration of said event, especially if acting thusly is in direct contrast to the otherwise NFH you are most of the time. In other words, no matter how cool/awesome/special/once-in-a-lifetime/who-the-hell-cares something is: you still have to act like a NFH in celebrating it.

This actually shows up on the first page of results for a Google Image Search of the phrase “Normal Fucking Human.” #notanormalfuckinghuman

It was either Vince Lombardi or Ron Jeremy who said “when you get into the endzone, act like you’ve been there before.”  Because we’re all about abbreviations here at BroCast News, let’s just call this principle “The ALYBTB (al-ee-bee-tee-bee) Rule”. Let’s also call it that because “ALY BTB” sounds like a coded instant message Paul would send me in college to indicate that he was knee-deep in something unsavory in his room and that I should probably leave the apartment if I wanted my eyes and ears to remain usable.

For starters, let’s observe The ALYBTB Rule in its natural habitat:

Been there before.

Never been there before. Like, ever.

Act Like You’ve Been There Before. Respect this mantra, folks. Read it, learn it and get it tattooed on your forearm for God’s sake if it’s going to remind you how you to behave like a NFH. Adhering to this dictum is perhaps the single best thing you can do (other than not work in Finance) to ensure that you spend your 20s and 30s as a NFH and a reasonable adult.

“Hey, baby. I’m in Mergers and Acquisitions. How ’bout I acquire you… so we.. can… erm… merge?”

For your convenience, here are some examples from various stages of adulthood that suggest how you can make The ALYBTB Rule work for you:

Last day of senior year? Celebrate with your friends, get nostalgic, hug, sing, rejoice when you walk out the door. Don’t chant and scream like an angry lynch mob, pillaging and vandalizing the school, thereby disrupting the everyday lives of the other NFHs in the building.

Going to your first frat party? Don’t try to bogart the Keg and pretend like you know how to tap it, just so people will think you’re cool. Don’t do a keg stand. Just rely on the tried and true “I’m-having-a-great-time-and-do-this-all-the-time” tactic of holding your red cup, nodding frequently and taking a sip of warm Natty Ice every time the pause in conversation gets long enough to make everyone feel uncomfortable.

Getting married? Sip some beverages, high five your buddies and pray your wife still loves the 45-year-old version of you she couldn’t possibly have envisioned when she agreed to marry 25-year-old you. Don’t get black-out, puke-spewing hammered or weep uncontrollably because you can’t handle the moment, jack-ass.

Now, you’re saying to yourself, “But what if the (insert name of favorite sports team of which you are a diehard fan) wins the (insert name of corresponding sports championship) for the first time in (insert sufficiently long length of time to make you think that you’re allowed to not act like a NFH when celebrating said championship)?

In that very unlikely event, here’s what you do: you celebrate the extreme good fortune of enough cosmic factors aligning to bring this very special kind of celebration to you and your sports team and its fans and then you act like a NORMAL FUCKING HUMAN.

You do this:

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the 2013 Has-All-Of-His-Teeth World Champion!”

Not this:

Good thing Canada doesn’t believe in prison.

So that’s it, folks. It’s pretty simple. It doesn’t matter how amazing or exciting or incredible something is: act like you’ve been there before. No matter what.

Besides, chances are you’re not that cool and it wasn’t that awesome anyway.

Brofessionally Yours,

P.D. Montgomery