The Live Blogging of my House of Cards Binge Day (AKA My First Real Day Off)

Posted on March 10, 2015 by Kitty

The Good Doctor so patiently waited for me to have enough time off for us to both laze in bed all day and binge-watch House of Cards. That’s love, folks. But, since the rest of you probably have lives and have already watched what you want of this most recent season of HoC, I figured I’d take this opportunity to crawl out from under my academia rock and join the Netflix masses in the real (read: virtual) world. Spoilers ahead, but what do you care.

EPISODE 1

While I love Frank’s Blanche DuBois accent portrayal, I’m still never sure where he is meant to hail from based on his choice of dialect. The south has many different accents. Just ask us.

Or maybe he's just impersonating Jon Stewart's impersonation of Lindsey Graham. I do declare!

Or maybe he’s just impersonating Jon Stewart’s impersonation of Lindsey Graham. I do declare!

HA. Frank pissed on a grave. Classic hate metaphor, right there.

Oh shit, I totally forgot how the last season ended…but I do remember that this bald dude is way creepy. Thank you, diegetic music, for the reminder.

Why does Robin Wright have Justin Bieber hair? Was it always this severe? Whatever, she rocks it.

claire underwood swoopbeibs swoop

EPISODE 2

If a former alcoholic takes a literal “shot” of whiskey, does a member of AA lose his chip?

This show is both literally and cinematically dark. I get it. Just let me see the set, JESUS.

Really? Windows phones? Please…

God Bless Claire Underwood for her incomparable ability to fuck people back to life. Not figuratively.

EPISODE 3

Every time I hear this theme song now, I envision a group of violinists spastically trying to keep up with the music until the oboe comes in. Oboe always wins.

As a gift, the American president just offered the Russian president a surfboard with the lyrics of “Back to the USSR” by the Beatles written on the back. Epic.

Pussy Riot in da WHITE House!

But, like, actually them. The real them. Kinda sweet.

But, like, actually them. The real them. Cool.

What’s even more impressive than the independent conniving of Frank and Claire Underwood is the tact with which their plans seamlessly work together. It’s oddly/scarily satisfying.

EPISODE 4

Woops, I zoned out. Did he just spit in Jesus’ face? I think Jesus was so upset that his effigy committed suicide…. Alls I knows is that my butt is numb. I think it’s time for a break. Gym time!

Welp, I left for a hot minute. (Mentally) back in a jiffy!

Welp, (mentally) back in a jiffy!

 

EPISODE 5

Why don’t the Underwood’s sleep in the same bedroom? I just saw her bangin’ her husband on the office floor. She’s using sex as a manipulative ploy? JUST LIKE A WOMAN, wait…

Damn, girl...

Damn, Claire…

The President just took down FEMA for his own gain in a manner that just made every former POTUS splooge their pants.

Finally, they’re smoking their cigarette. I was wondering how long this season would make me wait for their faux-post-coital-evil-scheming cigarette

Did Doug just use the Liam Neeson “I have a particular set of skills” line alluding to politics? That…well, no, that actually works.

skills

Ugh, WE KNOW.

The way Claire Underwood emasculated the Russian Ambassador by legit peeing in front of him – I’m not sure what purpose it held, but I loved it.

EPISODE 6

Frank’s gonna ghost write his novel? With the dude from Boardwalk Empire? You can’t trust a man that looks that much like a weasel.

Spy dude pretends to have HIV to get private information from a chick in AA who recently lost the love of her life? Fuck man, TV DC is the breeding ground for the most evil of people.

OH SHIT.

Shit just got really real when the gay dude in the Russian prison killed himself while Claire Underwood took a lil prison nap. The kicker: with her scarf. Pretty sure he can keep it…

When Kevin Spacey gets mad, he loses his southern affected accent. Where does it go? Nobody knows!

EPISODE 7

They’re doing that time comparison framing device thingie, where ‘now’ is the past and the future is one month from now. Thank goodness Claire changes her hair color, otherwise I wouldn’t know when was now and where is then!

Frank and Claire are mad at each other purely for having morals. They would.

Sweet Jesus, did we really think we were going to watch a whole series in one day? My brain already feels exhausted – you can’t even blink during this show, you have to Clockwork Orange style hook your eyelids open and WATCH. I need to move my limbs and shit around. I’ll just…leave it on in the background.

With a nice glass of milk.

With a nice glass of milk.

Truth is – we did finish the entire series. Well, The Good Doctor finished the entire series; I fell fast asleep about a half hour before the end of the last episode, and when I woke up, he immediately told me everything that happened and ruined the whole fucking thing for me. Great. At least I didn’t spoil the whole thing for you, and no one would or should possibly sit through 13 episodes of me droning on, so consider this a lazy (wo)man’s teaser. Happy Staycation to me! This is Kitty, signing out.

Posted in BroCast is Awesome, Celebration, Current Events, Famous People, General Ranting, Happy Stuff | Leave a comment

Trailer for Vetted

Posted on February 27, 2015 by Paul

Hey. Wrote and directed a TV pilot about veterans. Eric did the editing over the last few months and our premiere is in a few weeks. Lee Powers has a cameo. I’m awesome. What have you been up to, chumski?

Posted in 'Merica, BroCast is Awesome, Happy Stuff, TV, USA! USA!, Veterans, Videos | Leave a comment

Live-Blog!: The First 2 Hrs of a 5 Year Old Video Game (For Lee Powers)

Posted on February 20, 2015 by Paul

For those of you unfamiliar with semi-former BroCast staff member (He keeps threatening to write something else, but he’s full of shit. There’s no internet service in that yurt he’s living in beneath Grand Central Station) Lee Powers, you should be. Personally, I’ve been lucky/cursed by a mummy who looked exactly like ArnoldVosloo enough to have known him for nigh on two decades. Wait, really? Fuck me, I’m close to death.

Photo of me digitally aged one month.

Photo of me digitally aged one month.

Back to Señor Powers. As we’re both huge nerds (I just got a frame for the new Star Trek poster my girlfriend, who is totally real, got me! Whee!), he and I can get quite passionate about videogames. And, much like I have my nefarious campaign to eventually get all my friends as addicted to Borderlands 2 as I am, Lee has been demanding for years that I play the 2010 hit game Fallout New Vegas.

It's like crack, but you keep your teeth!

It’s like meth, but you keep your teeth!

I mostly enjoyed Fallout 3 and had heard good things about New Vegas, figured I’d give it a shot some day. Well my old chum apparently had enough of my malarkey. He picked up a used copy at Gamestop and whipped it at me from a speeding van yesterday evening. A naked and hogtied fellow also fell out of the same van at the same time, but that’s not my problem. Because a gift from Lee Powers, for whatever reason, is a rare thing. The last present he gave me was for my 17th birthday and it was my DVD copy of Band of Brothers that he’d had for 6 months.

And no, Lee, it was not a "new copy" like you continuously claim. It had the same dent in the back, you liar.

And no, Lee, it was not a “new copy” like you continuously claim. It had the same dent in the back, you liar.

So in honor of such a special occasion, I’m going to live-blog (ála my World Cup shenanigans) my opening foray into post-apocalyptic Las Vegas. Tally-ho!

00:15 – Opening cinematic. Bioshock flashbacks.

01:02 – “War. War never changes…” Fuck yeah, Ron Perlman. Never gets old.

03:30 – Hey look, I’m about to be buried in the desert. Cool opener, bro. And I like this guy’s suit. Even if he is about to shoot me in the face.

No hard feelings. Well, some hard feelings.

No hard feelings. Well, some hard feelings.

05:00 – It’s Colonel frakkin’ Tigh and he’s operating on my brain.

08:48 – Gave my character a muttonstache. Because my imagination knows no bounds and likes to think it was in the Civil War.

10:00 – Vigor tester? Bioshock Infinite flashback.

12:10 – I know this guy’s helping me, but I’m just gonna take all the useful shit in his house. Ooh, shotgun ammo.

Did you just take my bullets, you frakking toaster lover?!

Did you just take my bullets, you frakking toaster lover?!

15:13 – A set of Rorschach tests in the middle of a video game? That’s a new one. And yes, they all look like vaginas. Though the last one’s a really angry one. Yeesh.

20:01 – Aah, outside again. Breathe that fully irradiated, carcinogenic air.

20:52 – Gotta say, this ruined, ramshackle town surviving in the wake of nuclear war looks almost exactly likeTwentynine Palms.

My old house is on the left.

My old house is on the left.

26:29 – Behold, I have shot a giant lizard in the face! The game is truly afoot.

31:55 – Now on a mission to pick flowers. I miss the lizards. Even though I saw them eat a woman.

35:38 – Ahh, shooting a giant praying mantis. Now we’re back on track.

43:11 – Robot cowboy.

Yep.

The Good, The Bot, and The Rusty.

46:00 – Giant scorpions. Suck laser pistol, stingface!

53:00 – Sure is a lot of walking around to do after the apocalypse.

1:10:10 – Yep…

1:12:20 – Talking to some people in a bar. The worst part of being in a bar.

1:23:05 – Now talking to a dude in an abandoned gas station. How Craigslist.

I'm not.

I’m not.

1:34:23 – Stole stuff from an abandoned school.

1:49:12 – Yeeeeep…

1:53:36 – Finally! Time to start a gunfight with a bunch of bandits in town. Yee-haw.

1:58:37 – Well, we beat the bandits. But the guy who I was fighting them on behalf of got his head blown clean off. Nobody else seemed bothered by that fact, so…yay?

2:03:41 – In an attempt to help rescue some dude’s girlfriend, my face was eaten by a pack of those fucking lizards. And I’d just gotten a sweet new cowboy hat to wear. Curses.

Bury me with my Stetson!

Bury me with my Stetson!

Well, that’ll about do it for now. Kind of a slow start, but by no means a bad one. I’ll definitely take a crack again, as I imagine the pace picks up as it goes. Plus, I’d like to avoid having anything thrown at me from a moving van. At least for a while.

Specifically this van.

Specifically this van.

Thanks for the gift, Lee!

Posted in Death, Gamin', Happy Stuff, Nerd Stuff, Sci-Fi | Leave a comment

Paul’s Busy Workday Quasi-Made-Up Fun Fact #1

Posted on February 5, 2015 by Paul

Did you know that Ben Horne, megalomaniacal industrialist and brothel owner of the fictional and bizarre town of Twin Peaks (from Twin Peaks) was a goofball airborne pathfinder on D-Day?

Seen here after a kooky run-in with some wacky Wehrmacht troopers!

Seen here after a kooky run-in with some wacky Wehrmacht troopers!

Of course you didn’t, because I’m smarter than you! Okay, I need a nap. Have a good one, dummies.

Posted in Paul is Grumpy, TV, Work | Leave a comment

The First Possibly Annual Broscars

Posted on January 29, 2015 by Paul

Ahoy, me hearties! If you’re as much of a spoiled, middle class, entertainment-obsessed white person as I am, you are no doubt as excited as all get-up-and-go to pretend to give a shit about the recent announcement of this year’s Academy Award nominees. Personally, I could care less about any award ceremony since the cabal of wizards that run the film industry lost the magic crystal that allows them to control the oft-reanimated corpse of Billy Crystal and force him on camera. But whatever makes you happy in your otherwise dreary, trudging existence.

Brains...City Slickers III...brains...

Brains…City Slickers III…brains…

But I do love movies. So, as part of my ongoing public service that is this blog, I decided to dish out my own awards for those flicks the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences (or MONUSCO for short) considers contenders for Best Picture. Then I wrote some other stuff because it helps me avoid real work for another hour or so. Read on, MacDuff, and see what I thought of the top movin’ pitchers of 2014.

Paul’s Awards for The Best Picture Nominees

American Sniper – Hatfield/McCoy Award for Fostering Repetitive Bickering

Because fake baby jokes are already overdone as fuck.

Because fake baby jokes are already overdone as fuck.

Three people walk out of a movie theater. The first, in a cowboy hat and a “These Colors Don’t Run” shirt stained with BBQ sauce says, “Man, what a bunch of hippy bullshit. All that anti-war crap, with the sniper feeling bad about fighting and making him look like an asshole. He shoulda just blowed up more Al-Kawayeeders. I hate when Hollywood liberal douches insult our heroes like that! Thanks, Obama! NOT!”

The second, wearing a tweed blazer over a resin-stained “Woodstock ’99” shirt counters, “Goodness, what an exhausting pile of white-washed, flag-waving garbage. Trying to show that there’s honor in killing people and glorifying those who do. Tut tut, what insipid, mindless, pro-war trite! Thanks, Bush! With a $ instead of an ‘s’!”

The third, dressed like regular human being with dignity, pipes up, “Actually, I think any film that tries to depict war realistically ends up showing both the courageous and tragic sides of such a dreadful but inescapable part of human…”

The first two cut the third off by howling inhumanly, unhinging their jaws, and messily devouring their companion like the Lovecraftian terrors they are. Then they wipe their faces and go back to arguing as if nothing had happened. The End.

Birdman – David O. Russel Award for Best Performances in a Film That Purposefully Makes No Fucking Sense

The face of an entertainment-ruining monster.

I hate this guy.

I really wanted to like this movie, and, for most of its runtime I did. The direction and filmmaking are stellar and the cast is absolutely excellent. But to end it on such a hackneyed, bullshit, sophmore-year-of-film-school pointlessly pretentious mindfuck was so goddamn infuriating that I want to smack the writers right in their smug faces until their eyes pop out and I can teach myself to juggle with them. But yeah, well done, actors.

Boyhood – English Patient Award for Most Artistically Beautiful Waste of Three Hours

Even the star is trying to nap through it.

Even the star is trying to nap through it.

I’m sorry, what was that? I was busy using the time to do something useful with my life, like cook a roast or count all my pubes several times over. Yep, still four. No wait …. wait … yep, still four. That one there isn’t mine.

The Grand Budapest Hotel – Wes Anderson Award for Achievement in Wes Andersoning

I am become meta, destroyer of irony...

I am become meta, destroyer of irony…

Someday, Wes Anderson will make an autobiographical film about how ironic it is to be making an ironic film about his own meta-biographical film starring Wes Anderson. On the day it premieres, our universe will embrace oblivion.

The Imitation Game – Hyacinth Bucket Award for Britishest Film

Quite the kerfuffle this Blitz is becomming, eh what? I near to spilled my crumpets all over grand-mama's dumsheeflopinglover!

Quite the kerfuffle this Blitz is becoming, eh what? I nearly spilled my crumpets all over grand-mama’s doily covered dumsheeflopinglover!

A war film with no fighting, lots of people in tweed, a true story of heroics through intelligence, Tywin Lannister, bow ties, random (possibly villainous) Scottish character, and that really good British actor who you recognize from almost every movie of the last ten years? Just writing about it has spontaneously turned all of my sunglasses into monocles and my beef burrito into a pile of kippered something drenched in vinegar. Bother.

Selma – Movie That I Can’t Make Any Jokes About Because White People Are Terrible

Not funny.

Not funny.

Way to go, you fucking honkies. YOU RUIN EVERYTHING!

The Theory of Everything – Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies Award for Film I Want to See But Have No Idea When I’ll Get Around Too It

Does the film cover this part of Stephen Hawking's life?

Does the film cover this part of Stephen Hawking’s life?

I also still haven’t seen Catching Fire: Part 1. Man, I’ve been lazy. Even by my standards.

Whiplash – What the Hell is This? Award

You didn't see it either, did you?

You didn’t see it either, did you?

Drumming and that kid who’s always in terrible films starring Shailene Woodley? Not even do I not know what this is, I can’t even begin to care.

 

Bonus Section: My Picks for The Other Awards People Actually Care About

Actress – Julianne Moore. I didn’t see her film, but I didn’t see any of the ones the other women were nominated for either. So she wins purely on Lebowski points.

'Nuff said.

‘Nuff said.

Actor – Benedict Cumberbatch. Because he Cumberbatches the hell out of persecuted genius Alan Turing, which is particularly impressive since he’s a robot.

See?

Turing Test = failed. Destroy all humans.

Supporting Actress – Emma Stone. Anybody that can convince me they’re actually attracted to Edward Norton is deserving of recognition.

Now THAT's acting!

Now THAT’s acting!

Supporting Actor – J. K. Simmons. If the AMPAS can give Denzel the award he should have won for The Hurricane to him for Training Day, then I can sure as hell give it to J. K. now for what he should have won for this:

Director – James Gunn for Guardians of the Galaxy. Because fuck the Academy.

And don't get me started on the travesty of this getting snubbed.

And don’t get me started on the utter travesty of this getting snubbed.

Posted in Assholes, Famous People, Movies, Nerd Stuff, Paul is Grumpy, Special Event | Leave a comment

MUSKET SMOKE Update & Why it Matters re:#Gamergate

Posted on January 27, 2015 by dmman33

So I have REALLY gotten involved with Musket Smoke  over the past month.  After helping to make the Facebook Page, I got involved in helping to promote the Kickstarter for the sequel Musket Smoke II.  I even helped to lend my dulcet tones to the promotional video, which you can see here:

Oh, and I’m not the only one who’s crazy about Musket Smoke.  Check out this really cool interview here.

I even wrote a song to help promote the game:

So my time helping with MUSKET SMOKE has led me to think more about my opinions on the whole #gamergate situation.  In the article I wrote last year, I came off as cautiously neutral, hoping to show the best arguments of both sides.  Here was the conclusion I came to:

Continue reading →

Posted in General Ranting | Leave a comment

Side (Splitting!) Effects

Posted on January 15, 2015 by Paul

Hey, so, funny story: you know how medicine is supposed to make you better and shit? Sometimes it doesn’t! Sometimes, for example, you get a prescription for a nasal decongestant, but you have an extremely rare hypersensitive allergic reaction. So you go from having a stuffy nose to bronchospasms, hacking up wads of phlegm the size of testicles, and a dandy rash to boot. Why, that would just be as ironic as hell, wouldn’t it? Or maybe it’s just stupid. Either way, it’s infuriating and my rash is bugging the crap out of me.

Like this, but more frogs.

Like this, but with more frogs.

Yep, I’ve had a fun week. To make myself feel better, I thought up even more counterproductive side effects for medications because thinking of others suffering gives me strength. It’s why I play violent video games. I’m also thinking of getting into voodoo.

Me in about five years.

Me in about five years.

So, here are some side effects I made up for various types of medical drugs. Prep the OR for wackiness! And anal fissure repair!

  • Hair growth pill: can cause you to grow beards in odd places, like on your elbow or newborn baby.
  • Prescription suntan lotion: Spontaneous Skinversion.
  • Fungus cream: fungal infection falls off your body completely, then rapidly evolves into a society of vaguely malevolent mushrooms that often enslave wandering adventurers.

    Like this, but in your bathroom.

    Like this, but in your bathroom.

  • Eye drops: your eyes merge together and you become a cyclops.
  • Pain medication: you never feel pain again, but the longer you go without it the more terrified you become of ever feeling it again. Often results in a panic disorder or supervillainy.
  • Restless Leg Syndrome meds: you constantly flap your arms slowly and methodically, like a majestic condor circling lazily in a clear, blue sky.

    But my legs feel so restful!

    But my legs are so restful!

  • Anti-nausea meds: you still throw up, but now it shoots out of your fingertips.
  • Those cold/flu hot drink powders: you grow a second mouth on your lower back and it often yells out old-timey racist insults in social situations.
  • Asthma inhaler: you grow gills. They’re also asthmatic, so you can’t even breath that well underwater.

    Like this, but not as god-fuckin- awful.

    Like this, but not as god-fucking- awful.

  • Xanax: you lose the ability to see the letter “X.” Naturally, the stress of this makes you reach for your bottle of “_ana_” which only reminds you of the tale of cautionary horror you now live in.
  • Store brand disinfectant cream: you become compelled to ceaselessly tell everyone you know that store brand products are just as good as name brand ones, which will eventually cause them to beat you with shovels.
  • Headache pills: Severe Cranial Lovecraftose Intolerance.

    That's doctor talk for "this thing appears and eats for entire head."

    That’s doctor talk for “this thing appears and eats your entire head for all eternity.”

  • Boner pills: your penis will make the clanking, chugging sounds of a 19th century steam locomotive while erect and, upon ejaculation, will sing the famous folk ballad “Wreck of the Old 97” in its entirety.
  •  Cholesterol medication: you now react to butter like a vampire does to a cross. Hiss, cape over the face, et al.
  • Laudanum: if you are currently taking this, then you have already experienced the time travel effect, because nobody has taken laudanum in like a hundred friggin’ years. Please take three dozen Flintstone chewables every day until you’ve returned to your own era. Good luck with the Comanches or typhoid or whatever.

    Good luck with your “ill humors” or “ill humours” or “ill huoumouououuuurs” or whatnot.

     

Makes you think, huh? Don’t answer that, because you’ll just be talking to your computer. Which would mean you’re an idiot, a lunatic, or suffering from a rare side effect of excessive hair gel called Paul’s-Dad-Itis (it causes you to yell at computers and smartphones because you don’t understand them and refuse to ask anybody else to assist you in their use). If you think you may be experiencing Paul’s-Dad-Itis, or any of the other above symptoms, contact your doctor immediately or watch a full season of House while drinking heavily. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to try to wrest my cough drops from the clutches of those goddamn myconids that have set up camp in my sink.

Give me back my Halls Mentho-Lyptus, you son of a bitch!

Give me back my bag of Halls Mentho-Lyptus, you son of a bitch!

Posted in Death, Lists, Nerd Stuff, O Brave New World..., Paul is Grumpy, Sci-Fi | 1 Comment